Sunday Whine

I am now experiencing what Kathleen told me about muscle and bone pain. It feels like I need to kick. There are aches and pains...pretty strange

It started in my feet and then traveled up to my knees and now in my hips, too. I took some Vicodin for it. Not sure if the Vicodin is going to squelch it.

I am also taking my Compazine for nausea. I was not expecting to have to take the Compazine so soon. With the previous chemotherapy drugs, the antinauseant (Aloxi) was in effect for 4 to 5 days. I don't get that drug in my IV anymore. Waaaaaaaaa!

I wish there was a family get-together this weekend. Family has become so much more important these days. Seems like no one is having a Memorial Day party. (not even us) For the last few years Mark and I have gone down to Golden Gate National Cemetery. My parents share a plot there under a nice tree in a beautiful meadow under the glorious United States Flag. The Cemetery hosts a wonderful Memorial Day Celebration complete with Pearl Harbor survivors as colorguards. But I am not feeling well enough to venture that far for an event where I will need to sit still or to walk very far. I don't want to test my body that far from home.

Shortly before Mom died, I remember her always wanting to get together, to go see family on holidays, birthday parties, etc. Now I understand better.

Cancer Sucks

Saturday was yucky. I threw up twice. So sleepy because I got zero sleep the night before. I thought it was the meds, but I remembered that it was the three glasses of iced tea at Tony Roma's the night before. Heheehee.

My sister Erin

Blog Title

My sister Erin asked me recently about my blog title...what was the meaning?

This breast cancer is a "project". It's not me, it is not my life's new meaning. It's just a little adventure. It's my path for the moment.

This project began the day I was diagnosed (February 3, 2005) and I anticipate the end of project in September 2005. 2005 is what the "05" symbolizes in the title.

"DJC" is me.

"174.9" is the diagnosis code (ICD-9) for breast cancer. Good question, Erin!

Chemo #5 - check!

Alright! I'm feeling fine, except for a little tingling in both hands.

Here's how it went:

We got there (doctor's office) at about 8:20 am. We got several chairs to choose from, as we were the second chemo patient there. Plus the other guy was just wrapping his up. (There are six chairs) Mary was my chemo nurse today and she hooked me up to my pole :)

1. Saline drip first (it will be the mode of transport for my pre-meds)
2. Then Kytril (antinauseant)
3. Next up: Benadryl (preemptive strike on allergic reaction..my skin has become very sensitive and I get rashes quite easily these days...I am battling one now)
4. A side order of Tagamet (for acid reflux. I was explaining to Kathleen how the antinauseant I was taking [Prilosec OTC] was working out for me: it brings me to the point of anticipating vomiting, needing to vomit, WANTING to vomit..then she finished my sentence:"Can't get no satisfaction?" Amen, sister. Thus, IV drip now includes Tagamet. Bless you, Kathleen.
5. For final pre-med: Decadron (steroid)

Then we start the cancer treatment!

1. Taxol in a lovely Camphor sauce (for killing cancer!)

Finally for dessert:

1. A shot of Neulasta (white blood cell booster) OUCH!
2. A bit of Heparin to keep my port from clotting up.

That's it. Four and a half hours. Whew! That is a long morning.

Mary is very nice. I don't have a picture of Mary, but I intend to take one of her in the next couple of weeks. And Cindy, too! And Gwennie-Gwen-Gwen. And Judy, and Jennifer, and Summer.

Fridays the doctor's office is not as crowded as Thursdays , but it works better for Mark if we continue on Thursdays instead of Fridays. Thursdays it is!

It seemed like the chemo took forever! Funny thing...I started to feel woozy after the Benadryl...really woozy. I told Mary about it and she explained it was probably the Benadryl. It felt like I was under the influence of alcohol, actually. Pretty weird. I don't like that feeling. However it did help me take a nice nap..which helped the time go by :D

Dr. Sherman visited Mark and me in the infusion room (that's where the recliners are and where I get my chemotherapy) and told me he was going to request a test on my cancer tissue for the HER2/neu thingy.

That's how the morning went. The rest of the day has been uneventful....except I had a lot of fun (as usual) watching Judge Millian and Judge Judy have their way for a couple of hours. Took a nap. Watched the A's lose to Indians as long as I could, and had a nice visit with my Auntie Josie and Uncle Luis.

Oh yes, and I took my Coumadin tonight, too. That is quite a lot of medicine today. I like that I didn't have to take much in tablet form...most of them were in my IV.

Have a good weekend...be safe!

Love,

Deirdre

The Meeting With Kathleen

Mark and I met with Kathleen today to learn about Taxol. It sounds like there are three things I need to worry about:

1. Muscle and Bone pain
2. Tingling and numbness in limbs and sometimes mouth
3. Allergic reaction

For the muscle and bone pain I will take Vicodin. If that doesn't work I will use Dexamethasone.

There is nothing much I can do about the tingling and numbness except keep an eye one it. I have already experienced some of this, and if I experience the numbness and tingling to a greater degree then I am told to report it immediately. The doctor may find it better to reduce the dose of Taxol. This tingling and numbness (I am going to call it neuropathy - because that is what it is... and it is easier to type) sometimes can be permanent. WE DON'T WANT THAT. Therefore, we will promise to communicate to Kathleen everything about the neuropathy. We swear.

As for the possible allergic reaction: I have already developed a skin irritation - a rash - since the chemotherapy infusions started. I will get some pre-meds in my IV drip to combat any allergic reactions - including this rash.

I learned from Kathleen that any allergic reation won't be from the Taxol, itself, but from the medium that it is administered in: camphor. Taxol is not soluble...so must be mixed in camphor in order to get it into my body...and it turns out that some people are allergic to the camphor. I tell you, that Kathleen is a wealth of information.

We asked Kathleen about Herceptin. (a month or so ago my buddy Bob sent me an article that told about how Herceptin has been shown to work hard on preventing cancer cell growth). You have to be HER2-neu positive for the Herceptin to work. We checked my records and my tumor tissue had not been HER2-neu receptor tested. So that is upcoming.

Also, we still need to get into imaging to get my new mass (new lump) in my left armpit accessed.

Taxol

I am a little scared about starting Taxol.

Whoops

We missed our appointment with Kathleen yesterday. We had an appointment to learn about the new drug I will get through chemotherapy: Taxol. Whoopsie!

We were planning on going to get my CBC from the lab downstairs, then take it up to Kathleen at 2:45 pm. But we were a day off. It was supposed to be yesterday. So looks like we will do what we had planned today...tomorrow. And then we will hopefully start Taxol on Friday morning.

My eyes are always burning. They water quite a bit, too. It seems like I constantly have crusty eyes. My nose runs more than ever before, too. So I have a crusty nose. Isn't that a lovely picture? Well it's just as lovely to live it.

My Blog has Returned

I don't know why but my blog was not viewable for the last day or so. Well it's back! Scared the crap out of me.

INR/PT = 2.8

Kathleen called me with the results of my Pro-Time test this afternoon:

2.8

Alright! Now the Coumadin is therapeutic. Now my blood is thin enough to help get rid of the blood clot. Now I use only 7.5 milligrams of the Coumadin every day...and no shots.

An INR/PT score of 2.8 means it takes 28 seconds for my blood to clot (a normal person's blood should take about 12 seconds to clot).

Still Bleeding...

On Friday, after Marevil took my blood for the Pro-Time test, she kinda pulled the cotton ball away to see if I was still bleeding...and I was...which is good. We gave each other a high-five and then she checked again, and I had stopped bleeding. Bummer.

BUT TODAY...(I just got back from Quest Diagnostics), I checked before she strapped the cotton ball on (still bleeding), then again when I left the office (still bleeding) then again when I left the building (still bleeding)! I checked one last time at the car door, and I had stopped bleeding. WOOHOO!!!

I told them "Hopefully I won't see you tomorrow for Pro-Time, but I will see you on Wednesday for my CBC!" Now I just wait until the afternoon when I can call Dr. Sherman's office for the results of the Pro-Time test.

10.0, 10.0 and 7.5

Well it's Sunday night, so I took 7.5 milligrams of Coumadin (Warfarin Sodium) tonight. Because of my 1.7 score on Friday afternoon, Kathleen had me continue to take 10.0 milligrams on both Friday and Saturday nights, then 7.5 milligrams on Sunday night. Hopefully, tomorrow morning's Pro-Time reading will be in the 2.0 to 3.0 range!

INR/PT = 1.7

An INR/PT score of 1.7 means that my blood will clot in 17 seconds. What we are aiming for is 25 seconds. We are getting closer to the goal.

It is going to be a beautiful weekend.

Looks Hopeful

I just got back from getting blood taken for the Pro-Time test. It looks hopeful: my blood took a little longer to clot before the cotton ball was strapped on.

New Priority

So I have a new priority: the blood clot. ...then the cancer.

I just got back from the doctor's office. I went upstairs and into the office where I would get my shot, but they had not yet received the Pro-Time (Prothrombin Time) test results from the Quest clinic downstairs. So they asked me to run downstairs to get it. Unfortunately, I could not have it. I guess they have to bring it up themselves. So I went back upstairs and waited. It wasn't long. Kathleen looked at my results (1.27) and told me that the meds weren't therapeutic at this point. I asked her "So they are basically recreational?!" WTF? Haha! She laughed. My results should be in the 2.0 to 3.0 range. This means do the same thing tomorrow that I did today: Coumadin tonight (10 mg) and another Lovenox shot tomorrow afternoon. Also a Pro-Time test in the morning (around 11 am).

(Because I have this blood clot, my doctor is trying to thin my blood so that the blood clot doesn't get any bigger and so that I don't get any more blood clots. That's all we can do. My body should be able to make the blood clot go away by itself [I hope so!]. So in order to get the blood thinner, I take Warfarin Sodium [generic for Coumadin] : 10 milligrams daily [I take it at the very same time every day 8:00 pm] but because it takes Coumadin a couple of days to get in the system and make a difference, I am also getting a shot of Lovenox everyday [it takes effect immediately]. It's pretty tricky to get the blood to the right viscosity. [I am sure that is not the right word but it works for me] You want the blood thin enough to reduce the likelihood of clotting [in my case], but you don't want it so thin so as to put you at risk for bleeding to death just because you have a cut on your finger, for example. So in addition to taking these drugs to make the blood thinner, you have to have a Pro-Time test regularly so the doctor (or nurse practitioner) can evaluate the test results and adjust your meds accordingly.)

In an attempt to butter-up the nurses, I wore my "I Love My Oncology Nurses...even when they show up with needles" shirt. They laughed. They said "We really like your shirt!" And then Kathleen said "Well, we like what's IN the shirt, too." :-)

So I stuck out my chest as I walked away.

Quest Diagnostics

I just got back from Quest Diagnostics. I had to give a little blood for a Prothrombin Time test. Marevil (the phlebotomist) is sure good at getting me to bleed. She spoke to me in tagalog today; something about being bald. I could tell because:

1. she ran her hand over her head when she said it
2. I know the little verse: 1,2,3 your father's bald....so I know the "bald" word

Marevil wasn't the one who gave me the finger prick last time before chemotherapy...it was a new girl. The first time the new girl tried, she barely got a drop of blood from my finger - she was too gentle and didn't want to hurt me I guess. I told her how Marevil does it: Marevil squeezes my finger first and holds it tight when she pricks it and the blood comes out fine...she scoops it into the little cup. Oh my goodness, after I told the new girl this - BOY DID THE BLOOD FLOW! I thought I might need a tourniquet to stem the flow! HA! I don't mind breaking in the new people.

Anyway, for today's test I had to have the blood drawn from my crook of my elbow. I just checked the cotton ball Marevil taped to my arm to see if I was still bleeding. I have to say it is a pretty big blot of blood...it is not seeping through, though. It seems to be stopped now. I am definitely going to keep the cotton ball taped on for the rest of the day, just in case. Quest is going to send the results upstairs to Dr. Sherman's office, so when I get there at 3:30 pm this afternoon for my shot of Lovenox, they will be able to let me know if there is an adjustment necessary for my Coumadin prescription, based on the results of the Prothrombin Time test, of course.

Second Shot Of Lovenox...

...hurt like hell.

I Think I Am Done Panicking

Ok. So much for getting back to sleep this morning.

Wow. I had a couple of dreams... In the first dream, I dreamt of my mom...she looked so beautiful...the family was all around...we were trying to find this one picture of her that was really pretty...I think we were trying to find it before she died or something. I guess we knew she was dying. This makes sense because I started to have morbid thoughts right before falling asleep...and I was wondering if Mark knew where my best picture was.

In the last dream, the whole family was around. I was taking pictures of everyone. It was sort of like viewing a family album. I had a bunch of pictures to look at, but I was supplementing them with pictures from today, too. It was a good dream, but I am afraid it was like a summary of my life.

Ok time to get my mind straight! No more of that crap.

The last time I woke up this morning was at 2:17 am. I haven't been able to get back to sleep yet, so I thought I would post to the blog....freak you guys out I guess. Well of course my intention is not to freak anyone out, but what can I say? I am a little freaked, myself.

I am going to be okay. I am tough. Plus, I am lucky. I am lucky that I found out about this clot. I am lucky that this is not a chemo week. I am lucky that I am an otherwise healthy woman. And I am lucky that I was paying enough attention to my own body to know to get my fanny in there to Dr. Sherman to find out what was up when I did.

About the clot: it is in my left arm. I will post more information about the clot when I know more. I don't know much at this point except that the clot does exist in my arm. I wonder if that is what is making the vein in my neck bulge out. I gotta ask Dr. Sherman about that. It seems unlikely to me, but then again, I am no doctor.

Deep Vein Thrombosis

I just got home from the doctor's office. Actually, today I went to the doctor's office....then he sent me directly to the hospital...and they sent me back. I have a DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis) which is a blood clot.

So here is how we take care of it:

• I am currently taking Coumadin (blood thinner) 1 mg everyday. This is now changed to 10 mg.
• I will get a shot of Lovenox everday for the next three days or so. (Coumadin takes a couple of days to work, but Lovenox works immediately).
• On Thursday I will get lab work done: they will take my Prothrombin Time. I think that measures how long it takes for my blood to clot.

You have to be careful when you are on major blood thinners - any bruise or cut and you run the risk of bleeding to death. The flip side of that is that if the blood clot breaks loose, it is highly likely to kill me.

YIKES!!!

My Morning Routine

I wake up at around 12:30 am, then 2:00 am, then 3:00 am. Then I fight to get back to sleep until 4:00 am or so. Then I wake up to the sound of Mark in the shower at around 6:00 am. This time waking up is quite welcome...I know I have gotten a chunk of sleep.

So then I get up to iron a shirt and pants for Mark. He tells me I don't need to, but trust me, I need to.

After seeing Mark off to work, I go to the kitchen because my medication either needs to be taken with food, or needs to be taken once a day, so I take my meds in the morning...with cereal.

Today's breakfast menu:

• Honeynut Cheerios w/sliced banana & non-fat milk

• 2 tablets Dexamethasone
• 1 tablet Prochlorperazine
• 1 tablet Warfarin Sodium
• 1 Prilosec
• 2 Tylenol

Yummy.

Then I try to watch a little television...or crochet a little more blanket....but usually I lose interest in pretty much everything after a few minutes and go back to bed.

Not Such A Great Weekend

This weekend has not been one of my best. I have spent a lot of time in bed - at least 50% of the weekend at least.

I have the swelling in my left side, and the regular chemo pukey feeling, and a general fatigue. This is one of the first times I have ever thought to myself: "Gosh I am not sure I can handle another ten weeks of chemotherapy."

I told Mark today that I wish I was in the hospital. He didn't understand this. It's like when you're sick, you should be in the hospital, when you are well, you are NOT in the hospital. I don't like lying around all day in bed, but that is all I seem to be able to do. I feel like a bump on a log. A swollen one. A swollen bump, that is....not the log...oh nevermind. LOL

I went into the office this evening to fill out some forms. I will be taking a leave of absence from work so I can wrestle this cancer full-time. Someone took my white board eraser.

But there is some good news for the weekend: I saved money on my car insurance. I went to www.geico.com. Seriously.

Advanced Directives

This vein swelling in my neck had me up almost all night a few nights ago. It's kinda scary. Not that it hurt, just that it was scary. I have an order for an ultrasound to make sure it is not a clot or anything...but let's think about that. Supposing it was? Well then there is a great likelihood that I could have a stroke. Mind you, it is NOT a clot, I am pretty sure.

Now if I did have stroke, what then? Who would speak for me?

A few months back in February, before I had my first surgery to remove the lump in my breast I was asked by the woman at Admitting if I had an Advanced Directive ( a Will). Shucks, I have virtually no property so that was kind of a funny question...initially, at least. But the more I thought about it the more it made sense for me to write something down. I have no children but I have two brothers and two sisters and Mark. The last thing I would want is for there to be any confusion about who would decide how and where I would be cared for, should I become unable to speak for myself. It's unlikely that I would ever need that Advanced Directive read, but in case something happens, I am glad it exists. Mark has it. I scribbled a few things down like "who speaks for me" and "who gets my kick ass shoe collection"...things like that.

I am not trying to freak anyone out, I am going to be fine.

People don't like to think about things like this, about unpleasant possibilities...but ya gotta. It is just smart. You may never use it, but if you need to, it is soooo good to have.

My mom made sure we didn't have to deal with decisions when she passed away. She had Living Trust prepared. I recommend it. Everyone should have one of these. You never know when you will need it.

My Neck

Ok something weird: there is a vein in the left side of my neck that is starting to protrude. Gotta get to the doctor some time soon!

Happy Friday the 13th!

I went for my shot of Neulasta this afternoon. Ouch! Thanks a lot, CINDY! (Cindy's a SF Giants fan, and boy does she like to rub it in...she makes point of it!)

Before the appointment I took a shower, but after my shower I noticed that the blood vessels on the left side of my chest were quite visible - a lot of blue veins showing up on the left side of my chest and shoulder. None visible on my ride side.

After getting my shot of Neulasta (ouch!) , I asked to see Kathleen, the nurse practioner. I wanted to get her opinion about my veins and apparent swelling. I also had her feel a lump under my arm that is located a little above the scar of my lymphectomy. Kathleen then ordered an ultrasound of my left arm, chest & shoulder. Kathleen says it could be just a seroma - which is something that is leftover after surgery sometimes.

Anyway, I'll find out what it is in the next few days - I go to the hospital for this. I'll keep you posted!

Hope you had a great Friday the 13th! It's the only one we'll have this year!

Chemo #4 - check!

I feel yucky today. Same as last time. Plus, add a little tinnitus in my left ear.

After chemo we went to Longs Drugs to pick up another prescription: Coumadin. Coumadin is a blood thinner. My doctor says it must have been an oversight somehow - all patients with a chemo port are prescribed Coumadin. Not a big confidence builder, eh? This new prescription was written yesterday in response to my complaints about my left arm feeling full. He didn't touch my arm...but today at chemotherapy, Gwen (my nurse) noticed that the arm was indeed swollen and quite full. This bothers me and I need to watch it closely. This could be early signs of lymphedema. I am to notify the doctor's office if there is no improvement or if it gets worse.

Oh yes, also picked up a spray bottle of Benadryl for the rash on my arms.

I learned about one of my pre-meds yesterday. Pre-meds are the medications that I get in my IV before the chemotherapy drugs are administered. The first one I get is ALOXI. It is a four to five day anti-nausea drug. However, today I was moved to take anti-nausea COMPAZINE, as well.

So now I am going to lie down and listen to my normal cells resist the chemotherapy and feel the chemotherapy kill the cancer cells.

Head, Shoulders, Arms and Hands (Arms and Hands)

My head feels cool a lot. I have this little turban thingy...I need something else. Funny, I have never been one to feel cool much at all. But these days - I'm feelin' it, baby.

I have developed sniffles and a cough in the last week and a half. I don't like it. I have a strong cough (says Mark - sometimes at night I cough so loud it scares the living daylights out of him and he wakes up with a start...it's funny) and when I cough I feel it in the left side of my neck and shoulders. Strange. The left side is where my chemo P.A.S. Port is. I am not sure if the coughing is bothering my port - I will ask my doctor on Wednesday.

I have also noticed my arm is bothering me. I noticed it was feeling funny (get it? my humerus?) a couple of weeks ago - my upper arm felt...funny. Like maybe I had overstretched it somehow reaching for the remote control. Wow! Did I just say that? HAHAHAHA! That is just sad. Just think: I might have overexerted myself when I reached for the remote control. That is disgusting. I am ashamed. How am I going to say that to the doctor with a straight face? LOL

But seriously, my left arm does feel different than my right arm...and this just developed in the last couple of weeks. I was thinking that if I had stretched it, the feeling would go away, but it hasn't. It doesn't feel like the tingling and numbness due to the chemotherapy. It feels more like I have too much blood in that arm. It feels like my arm is swollen, but it isn't. So I will have to ask the doctor about it.

I have noticed the nausea has become steady. I feel it almost constantly. When it is here, it is like waves, and it is especially heavy at night. Lying down in bed feels like being on a boat. I am okay for a while, then every 30 seconds to a minute (or so it seems)....a wave of nausea and I am forced to a more upright position. I have learned to sleep in the most unusual positions. (And I realize there are several jokes that can be made at this point - I won't make any of them!)

The Cronans in 2001

Erin, Daniel, Deirdre, Michael and Arlene in 2001. I was going to say we were the Cronan Kids...but I guess we can all see that we are not kids anymore!

Dad and Mom in 1958

Dad & Mom in June 1958. They were quite a handsome couple. This in my mom & dad's wedding picture (duh). They were married only after a brief engagement (2 months!) They are a lucky couple. I guess when you know, you just know.

Mom and Dad in 1995 (I am guessing)

Mom & Dad in 1995

The Cronan Family in 1970

(from left:) Angie (Mom), Erin, Daniel, Deirdre, John (Dad), Michael and Arlene. This picture was taken in 1970 at the Ripalda's house. We spent a lot of time there. Heck, everyone did! I remember so much about that house and all the rooms in it: where you eat, where you go to talk and listen to the adults talk, where the drinks were, where you go to play with the rest of the kids, where you could go if you didn't want to be bothered where you could go to listen to music or even to hide...it was a wonderful house. The Ripalda's were my mom & dad's godparents.

I Want To Puke

I constantly feel like puking...but I don't. I want to puke...but for some reason, my body just refuses to allow it. I know many people who undergo chemotherapy lose weight - they probably feel the same things I am feeling (nausea, acid stomach, etc) and that makes them vomit. But my body doesn't vomit much. That's why I am not losing weight. It is like so unnatural for my body to puke, I guess. I have tried to tickle my uvula but my uvula is not ticklish. I barely get a gag. I guess I'll never be bulemic. I know I would feel better if I did vomit..oh well.

In Honor Of Breasts

Perfect Breasts	(o)(o)
Silicone breasts	( + )( + )
Perky breasts	(*)(*)
Big nipple breasts	(@)(@)
A cups	o o
D cups	{ O }{ O }
Wonder bra breasts	(oYo)
Cold breasts	( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts	(o)(O)
Pierced nipple breasts	(Q)(O)
Hanging tassels breasts	(p)(p)
Grandma's breasts	\ o /\ o /
Mammogrammed breasts	___ ___
Against the shower door breasts	( )( )
Android breasts	| o | | o |

05-05-05

I really like tomato sauce so it is going to be hard for me to stay away from it. I have to. It makes me throw up. I had a bout with diarrhea yesterday - in a car. First time. BUT, I made it home. Whew! Thank GOD. That'll teach me to get in a car on days like these. It's the diarrhea that scares me about going to work. Yes, there is fatigue and there are headaches and general bone soreness, but those things at work do not scare me. Heck, I can even handle feeling the need to vomit without panic. (My vanity has kept my vomit IN many times - note I didn't say DOWN - you know when you have to swallow it back because you are too far from the bathroom and you don't want to have to clean that up? Yuck) Being at my desk when diarrhea strikes? Very frightening.

Some days I just can't get myself to post an entry in the blog - I just don't feel like it. I am quite tired these days, and during chemo week, I am just cashed. I want to blog, because the chemo week is the time when I am really feeling most of the effects of chemo - and the chemo experience can be told...but I just don't have it in me. Or, I do have IT (the chemo) in me, and that is what is preventing me from writing (hahaha). I was hoping the off weeks would be easier to handle, but it ain't necessarily so.

Here is something else I noticed about chemotherapy: it makes my eyes feel like they are burning. A little like maybe I have been staring too long at something - but I haven't been staring at all.

!

My stomach really hurts right now. I went in to work today, and tried to wait to speak with my supervisor, but he was at the doctor himself. I tried to stick it out until he got back, but I ended up breaking into a sweat because of my stomach pains. My arm is feeling sore today, for some reason. GOSH I WISH I WAS DONE WITH CANCER AND CANCER TREATMENT NOW.

GOLF TOURNAMENT!

We are holding a CHARITY GOLF TOURNAMENT at LONE TREE GOLF COURSE on JUNE 25th at 10:30 am! This will benefit the TICKLED PINK Walking Team!!! Save the date! More info to follow! Watch this blog!

Pre-Mother's Day Cemetery Trip

Went down to the cemetery today. It was a beautiful day. I like to drive. Driving is especially good therapy for me. It's like I am outrunning the cancer. Driving doesn't require too much from my brain. It's like going on autopilot. I did get a few waves of nausea - even though I took my anti-nausea pill.

This is the first time I have been to the cemetery since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was nice to go...I cried a lot. Almost ended up running to Mom & Dad's headstone. I wanted to show Mom, "Hey, I am doing it! I am fighting the fight!" And I wanted to show her my bald head...and how she was right - us kids do have nice shaped heads!

Mark and I stopped (as usual) at Albertsons in San Bruno - they have the most beautiful cut flowers there. Really gorgeous. I wish now I had taken a picture of the plot as we left it to post here. We got some yellow spider mums and pink carnations - and red roses that looked like velvet.

I am trying to get through ironing some shirts for Mark, but I have to rest after every one.

Pedicure, Manicure, Cheesburgure

I went for a walk today with Arlene, but I couldn't go far - my ribs were not feeling good enough or strong enough to go even a couple of miles. We did what I could though. That's something. So I came home and crapped out with Mark on the bed - took a very long nap. I'd say I selpt from 11:15 am to about 4:45 pm. Then I got in the shower because I met Mary Ann at the nail shop. We got pedicures and manicures. My nails are starting to get purple - the nail beds. Another chemo side effect. But my feet look gorgeous. Thanks Mary Ann for calling me to go with you! (Her sisters took her out today - it was her birthday!) After getting the nails done we went over to the Red Robin and I picked up a couple of cheeseburgers to go for Mark and me. Now I am going to right back to bed - still tired I guess. Or all the carbs! Ha!

How my hair came out

When my hair started coming out, there was just a lot of hair in the brush. But when my sister Arlene helped me shave it off, it came out kinda weird. You know how regular hair comes out, if you tug? Like you can see the hair plug come out ...a little white thing that comes out of your scalp? Well, the chemo hair came out like it had been burnt on the scalp end - no white thing on the end. Just like it had been burned. It was weird.

Chemo #3 - check!

Yesterday I felt the worst yet. When everyone asks how I am doing, this is the day they were meant to ask it. Horrible. Awful.

• red urine
• stinky chemical smelling urine - chemical like a perm in your _______ but a different weird smell
• feels like you're on the verge of vomit...but you never get to
• constipation (not so bad after only 1 day..it's the third day that gets weird)
• tingling arms and hands. Feels like they fell asleep, and are coming back to life...like ants...but they don't go away.
• I was lying down yesterday and am halfway there again (love the laptop), but the nausea comes in waves..so I have to shoot to a sitting up position real fast when I get that acid feeling. Rough.

The arms and hands tingling is new for me - but I guess I should expect it - that is one of the possible side affects.

I am noticing dark spots on my hands - palms and the backs of my hands - they look like age spots.

Hardly got any sleep last night. Last time I looked at the clock it was 4:14 am. Then I got up at 6:30 am when Mark went to work.

Gosh, they say it is going to get worse as the chemo goes on. That's gonna suck.

Alien Nation-y

Well, my cousin-in-law, Saul was right. Saul said he knows someone at work whose skin got darker and darker as chemo treatments continued. That's what is happening to me. My hands are getting dark...like a dark suntan. And I am getting freckles. They aren't little freckle dots. They are more like patches of dark. I believe the medical term is SPLOTCHES. So now I look like a character on Alien Nation. Kinda. Actually, my head doesn't have the freckles, but my face is getting them.

Chemo is done for the day. We didn't get THE ultimate best seat in the house today. But, still Mark got to sit next to me..and we watched Apollo 13 on the new laptop PC. Great display on this puppy. Great movie, too. It is the 35th anniversay of the Apollo 13 Mission. Apollo 13 was launched April 11th, but entered the Moon's orbit on April 13th, 1970. Watching the movie made the time go by nicely in the chemo room. It was busy again today - lots of cancer killing going on over there at the doctor's office!

I sure do get pretty weepy at any little thing these days. I cried at several parts of the movie, I cry at any memory of my mother, I cry if the wind blows a certain direction.

I am feeling a little woozy right now, I think I will go pee some red stuff...and then lie down for a long nap. Oh yeah, gotta take my Protonix alternative (Prilosec). I am feeling pretty acid-y right now. Did I say I puked last night? Gosh, I could hardly get any sleep last night...then I threw up, too. I hate nights like that. They are coming more frequently.

Dr. Sherman says I must be doing something right...to have my bloodwork so perfect when I see him on Wednesdays. I think he says that to all the girls...

Breast Cancer Haiku

This is wonderful. Click it.

So Sleepy...& Acidy...& Blistery...

Yep. Did it again. Got nothing done today that I was supposed to. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I am not sure what is happening to me....why I am so sleepy. I know, DUH...chemotherapy. But why so late in the two-week interval? Also, I notice the days before my chemo seem to be the worst days for the acid stomach. One more thing: I break out in these little blisters all over my arms and hands a couple of days before the chemo, too! WTF? (I don't think I mentioned it but before my FIRST chemo treatment I broke out in hives. Those of you who know me from work, the hives used to perplex me...until Yan pointed it out that it seems to happen when I am nervous about something)

Hump Day

So much for getting the homework done! Yesterday I slept for 5 hours during the day - when all I wanted (thought I wanted) was a little nap. I guess I needed a bit more than that. Couldn't believe I was able to sleep through the night. I am going to do my best to get the homework read, at least. There is a huge project at work that they need my help on - and I am determined to give them my help - but I am not sure how much I can get done.

Today is Wednesday, so we have to go get my blood cell counts taken this afternoon. Then we gotta run the results upstairs to my medical oncologist so he can tell me, "Looks good - see you tomorrow!" Then tomorrow I get the drip again. I can hardly wait for Thursdays. It seems such a long time in between chemotherapy treatments.

I have some stubborn stubble on my head. Hopefully it will come out with gentle loofah-ing. Or buffing? I am not sure how it will come out...maybe it will come out eventually?

This evening Mark and I are hosting a Team Meeting (Tickled Pink). We'll talk about how we are all doing with regard to raising the neccessary funds for the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer. We are also going to discuss the possibility of holding a charity golf tournament in order to get the $1800.00 per team member minimum. We should also discuss how we are all coming along with training for the event. It's a looooong walk. I haven't walked for a week and a half, actually. Not good. I need to walk more often. Mark had the foresight to enter us in the Bay To Breakers - that would be a good training walk for us. Plus, it's a good half-way marker to the Avon event. That will let us know how we are doing. The B2B is on May 16th.

My job for today is to get my car down to the Shell Gas Station to get a diagnostic check on the overheat problem and an estimate for repairs. So I guess I better get some clothes on and get it down there. Maybe a short nap first? LOL

*Sigh*

Mark and I went to look at cars yesterday evening - but after a while - I just felt like throwing up. I didn't, but I sure felt like it. Then this morning, after returning a rental car I used over the weekend (my car was putting out some bluish smoke from the exhaust last week - didn't seem safe to drive - and Mark & I didn't get a chance to go car shopping last week), my car overheated on the way home...I barely made it to the driveway. Rats! I don't like car problems. But the older my car gets, the more problems I am going to have. Kind of like a person's health, isn't it? I was going to try to get to work today...but now I am exhausted. I have some homework to do - but first I am going to lie down and take a nap.

Discrimination?

Jacquenette and I went to the Concord wig place to pick up my special ordered hairpiece yesterday. I had been there before of course - to order the hair and I have also purchased a wig from this place. They were nice to me...and Mark, too. They laughed when I put on the afro wig last time I was there...and I wanted to show Jac how it looked - make her laugh too. So I put it on, and then the ladies told me I wasn't allowed to put on the wigs. Not without a wigcap. Well I was confused! They had let me put them on before....but, no problem. Ok, I wouldn't put them on. I joked to Jac that it was because I came in with her (she is a black woman). Hehehe. But then I thought - maybe it was because they didn't recognize me - last two times I was there in their shop I had hair. But this day, I came in bald. Ok so I tried to pay with my American Express Card and found out they did not accept AE, so I would have to come back later. (Jac says it was a ripoff anyway - the price I was paying for that hairpiece. That is when we decided to go to the hair shop where she got her cute 'do - in Stockton)

So we went to the wig/hair shop out in Stockton. I was looking for something called a *quick weave* - which is like a cap of curls. The shop specializes in African-American hair products. This is a place where Jacquenette has shopped in the past, and we came here specifically because I wanted a hair thingy just like the one Jac has, and this is the place she got hers. Ok. So we went in (I was not wearing a hat or anything - bald). We went to the counter and a young man helped us and found the hairpiece we were looking for - I wanted to try it on so bad (it is really cute!). The young man helped us cut the ties in the package that were preventing us from trying on the wig, and then Jac proceeded to help me put it on and straighten it on my head - to get a feel for it. Then all of a sudden, the other salesperson told us we were not to try on the hairpieces - not without a wigcap. This did not bother me, really - but I joked to Jac that it must be because I am bald! That is when Jac piped up and told the salesperson that she has never ever been told she must wear a wigcap in that store, that she has been there several times and has tried on different hairpieces - ALL WITHOUT A WIGCAP. The salesperson insisted that I may only wear the hairpiece after I have purchased it. Jac was pissed. We were going to buy the thing - no problem. Jac was incensed about the fact that the sales staff was being inconsistent...and it seemed to point to the fact that it was because I was bald - both situations. She told the staff as we were leaving they need to be consistent in the way they treat customers. That this kind of *policy* should be enforced by all salespersons, all of the time, so as not to be offensive to customers.

Jacquenette is a good person.

So Tired Today

I am so tired today. I spent the weekend hanging out with my friend, Jacquenette. We went to a bar on Saturday night - to sing karaoke! I went with no hair. I was a little scared...but I did it. It is easy to be confident with Jacquenette. She is confident! She helped me do this - without hair. The people at the bar were very nice - no one made me feel uncomfortable. No one. I think I like not wearing a hat or wig or scarf. It's cooler for my head. Anyway I am so tired I could just lie down right now at 8:00 pm. I just wanted to put something in the blog since I hadn't in a few days... Have a good week!

DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD

Ding Dong!

The Witch is dead.

Which old Witch?

The Wicked Witch!

Ding Dong!

The Wicked Witch is dead.

Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.

Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.

She's gone where the goblins go,

Below - below - below.

Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.

Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.

Let them know

The Wicked Witch is dead!

Another Lost Special Day

I owe Mark a lot. I owe him some great birthdays when he won't have to worry about me ...or make wishes over his birthday candles on my behalf. We had cake and ice cream, but we would normally have gone to baseball game and to some National Park for a picnic and a trail walk - just us.

I am sorry for this.

Bloody Nose

I just realized I had not written in the blog about the bloody nose I had early this week. Not a big deal, though. I had been feeling a little allergy-ish about the nose (Mark, too)..and then all of a sudden I had a bleeding nose. My sweet boyfriend - he got a bloody nose, too...sympathetic, maybe? I love him!

No Mutation Detected

We met with Dr. Patricia Kelly on Wednesday (the Genetics Scientist). Dr. Kelly gave us the good news: the blood test results indicate "NO MUTATION DETECTED". What does that mean? The term NO MUTATION DETECTED is a negative result. This means the test did not find a mutation responsible for hereditary cancer risk in the genes my test analyzed.

How are genes and gene mutations related to cancer?

Genes carry instructions to make proteins. The proteins made from genes related to hereditary cancer risk are responsible for ensuring that cells divide normally. When one of these genes has a deleterious mutation - or harmful change - the protein it makes does not work properly. As a result, cells in certain parts of the body may divide unchecked - multiplying without stopping and eventually leading to a cancerous tumor.

How does a genetic test help determine the risk for hereditary cancer?

Genetic tests look for mutations in specific genes known to be associated with hereditary cancer risk. If a deleterious mutation is detected, it indicates that the individual is at increased risk for certain cancers. It also helps family members define their own risks for cancer by allowing them to be tested for the identified mutation.

For more information on Breast Cancer Risk Assessment: www.ptkelly.com

My New Look

I am so happy! Arlene helped me shave my head yesterday. I really like it!

What I like about my new look:

• no hair in my eyes ...ever!
• no hair tickling Mark when he hugs me!
• no having to comb or brush or curl or spray my hair!
• huge $ savings on hair care products!
• it takes 45 minutes less time to get ready or work!
• it feels soft...like a baby's bottom!
• it feels so good to rub!
• it's cool to the touch (I am usually warm..this has a cooling effect)!
• it's C O O L !
• people get out of my way in public!
• my head has no scars and is shaped like...a head!
• wigs (should I decide to wear one) fit better than they had when I had hair!
• I lost weight! (ok about 4 ounces)

I have kidded around over the years about not having hair...wishing BALD as in fashion. I never ever have liked hair in my eyes.

I remember my very first day of school at Highlands Elementary: My mom had my grandma cut my hair into what we called a pixie cut. I hated it. I knew everyone would hate it...all the new people I would meet at school.

I remember swimming practice: I loved my hair short (I guess it grew on me) because I didn't need to wear a swimcap. Swim caps were always too hot!

I remember growing up: When fixing my or my sisters' hair, Mom would always pull it back so tightly from our faces into an elastic thingy.

The hair started coming out yesterday...in clumps...and it felt so good to pull most of it out, having been in those ponytails for a few days. So then Arlene and I went to Longs Drugs to get a Hair Clipper set (I wanted to be sure and pull the hair out that could come out..less stubble, see?) Once we got all the hair out that we could using the brushes and combs (I looked like Gollum), Arlene started with the hair clippers. She got it down nice & tight ....then I went to the shower and lathered up! I couldn't resist grabbing the Venus razor! Now I am smoooooth! It is really quite easy to shave a head with a razor. You can feel the spots that you miss. And I have no nicks!

Oh yes, the best thing of all about my new look:

I am killing cancer!

Topless Deirdre! 

Good Day - Darn Tired Now

Good day today. I went to work in the afternoon. I wore the ponytails but with a bandana around the top like a doo-rag. It wasn't long before the doo-rag came off. Everyone seemed to get a kick out of the ponytails. They are quite cool on my head. I was making jokes about how I could spin real fast and take out any walking target with a flick of my head in the right direction (with flying ponytail, of course). Kathy said I was "locked and loaded". She was right. It was so nice to see everyone again. I had seen them last week...but I miss everyone. I won't see them again since I am off for a couple of days - scheduled vacation!

Also I have found that once my adrenaline gets running, it is hard for me to settle down until I fall down. Going to work gets me all charged up - I get to catch up with my friends. It's a great time. I need to get more done at work, though. I need to pay more attention and pace myself.

I felt a bit queasy this afternoon at work...so I left early. My head gets light in the afternoon - especially when I get all charged up early in the day. Plus I had little sleep last night. I am finding that being outdoors really helps me keep my stomach. Something about the fresh air. I managed a walk with my sister to get ready for the Avon Walk.

I went to the grocery store tonight. Spent a lot of money. And now I have no energy to get the groceries put away. Oh well...I will just wait for Mark.

(Partially) Sleepless in Concord

Another sleepless night. Well, partially sleepless. It was about midnight when I got up with a start. I had to head in to the bathroom to vomit a bit. Just a little bit. Then back out to bed. Couldn't sleep much after that.

Lots of times I feel like there is a hand tightening around my throat. I used to think it was because of the collar of the shirt I was wearing, but I get that feeling whether or not I am wearing a collar.

The medical team tells me I am going to stop menstruating while on chemotherapy. Well it's not this month! Hello! This is the heaviest period I have ever had.

I spend a lot of time in bed trying not to wake Mark up. Impossible. He sleeps so lightly. I wish I were a quieter person. I'll bet he does, too.

Mark's Birthday Is Coming!

Mark's birthday is coming on Wednesday, April 20th. We are both scheduled off that day. We have a doctor's appointment. We will be meeting with Dr. Patricia Kelly about our results of the Genetic Tests (BRCA1 and BRCA2) ...and whether or not I have the genetic mutation that predisposes me to Breast and/or Ovarian Cancer. Good to know!

Yosemite National Park

Mark and I got out of the house again today - we drove out to Yosemite National Park. That was my first time there! It looked pretty nice - from the tunnel. We took off about 11:00 am just to see if we could make it...I really wanted to go for a drive today. We got back about 7:30 pm tonight. We only stayed for a brief nap once we got through the tunnel down at the Park opening off Highway 120.

I took a picture of Mark with my telephone...sitting on the edge with the waterfalls and the valley behind him, but I screwed it up and didn't save the picture before turning off the phone. It was really a beautiful picture. Oh well!

I guess you can tell I have had another good day today. One thing that does feel unusual is that my chest feels a little weak - like it's hard to get a good deep breath. Maybe that is what the nurse was trying to warn me about the Neulasta (white blood cell booster). She did tell me that it would be the large flat bones - like my sternum.

There is one other thing that bothers me a little: It felt so light-headed early today. But the ride out to the park was fine. I think driving has a lot to do with the fact that I felt okay. I am not sure how I will do if I had to concentrate on any one thing for any length of time. But I am going to give it a shot tomorrow at work.

Yep, still have my hair, but I haven't looked at it or touched it all day. It is still in my ponytails and underneath a bandana. Ooooooh...I am afraid to touch it!

Weird occurrence of the day: I created roadkill on the way back from Yosemite. Gross.

Thanksgiving Day in April

Today I am thankful. Thankful for many things:

1. I still have my hair.
2. I have nice hair, too! It is shiny and silky feeling. I will miss it.
3. I have had such a good day today. Not sick at all. Whew!
4. I had a good time at the driving range - although I didn't have enough oomph for an entire bucket of balls, the half bucket I DID manage was fun - and I hit the ball well.
5. I am looking at a beautiful rose that grew in my garden. I cut it and put it in a vase and it is gorgeous.
6. The Blue Dove over my front porch had TWO chicks! Today, Mark and I saw them both peeking out from under their mommy. Precious!
7. Those chicken tacos my sister Arlene brought over last night - with the chocolate pie - were quite yummy today and that means I didn't have to cook! I love that.
8. I got to chat online with Mark's mom in Ohio tonight. She is a very nice lady.
9. Mark took me yesterday to get a turban thing to wear on my head just for those times when I just need SOMETHING on it. I really wanted one like my mom had - a baby blue one with bangs in it...but they didn't have one in that color at the wig shop in Concord Park & Shop. SO I got one in my favorite color - RED! I love it a lot! And we also ordered a hairpiece that goes into hats! I can hardly wait until it gets here.
10. After chemo on Thursday, Mark took me to get my very own laptop computer! WAHOO! This way, I can blog from the chemo room! I am so excited! He is wonderful. Simply wonderful. Oh yeah, and it's got a dvd player of course! I am hoping they have a wireless network I can tug on to send email out, too.
11. I am soooo thankful that my shot of Neulasta didn't seem to hurt as much as last time. I wore my SF Giants jersey just in case the other gal was there to give me the shot (the SF Giants Fan).
12. It feels sort of like they didn't give me enough chemotherapy this time. I just don't feel that bad. THANK YOU! (Last time the third and fourth days were the worst, then there were the constant headaches, but here's hoping that I continue to feel as good as I do today....for a few more days at least.)
13. I got a little warning from the nurse who gave me the Neulasta: my bones may feel sore for the next couple of weeks. WTF? What does that mean? As I understood it, the Neulasta is the WHITE BLOOD CELL booster shot. Well, heck, what did I know? Sister Arlene asked me where were they getting the blood cells...but I didn't know, and I didn't really consider her question, either. Well it was explained to me that the Neulasta is actually a shot of *stuff* that gives my bone marrow a jump start - tells it to start manufacturing more of my own white blood cells! Isn't that interesting? Amazing what science has given us. THANK YOU, SCIENCE!
14. Thank you for all of my generous coworkers, friends and family.
15. And thank you for the breast cancer. I mean it. I have learned so much and it really hasn't been all that bad. It has been exciting and interesting...and I have met so many people who have helped me in many ways - be it in a hospital setting or support group setting - or chatting online - or in my own house - they are my family - they are my friends. Thank you. It could have been sooo much worse for me. I caught my breast cancer just in time, and I am a healthy person. Thank you, God, for my health!
16. Mark is so good to me. Thank you, God, for Mark.

Still Got Hair Today

Well, so I still have my hair that my sister (Erin) tied in ponytails last night. She was able to get my hair into 36 ponytails so I could have nice long donations for LocksOfLove.org. Unfortunately, the longest of my ponytails was 9 1/2 inches and the minimum length to submit should be 10 inches. Oh well. The other good thing about the ponytails is that it keeps my hair from falling out all over the pillows and sheets and everywhere else. I really like this hairstyle! I took a picture of my ponytails and posted in the blog - down a couple of posts. It is cool and it keeps all of my hair out of my eyes - I hate it in my eyes.

Is that enough links to the ponytails page or what?!

I felt so good today we went to the Golf Course - Mark and I. We went out to Lone Tree Golf Course (that's where my sister Erin does a little moonlighting as a waitress on the weekends) to the driving range. I only had enough stuff (energy) to smack about a half a bucket, but it was so nice outside I could not resist a quick road trip.

I am not quite sure how everyone else is taking my ponytail hairstyle...but it seems to make most folks get out of my way. heheheeee... That's ok with me. I hope I don't scare folks, though.

I hope the ponytails stay until at least I go to work on Monday. I would love to have everyone there see me like this. Maybe by then we can put entire ponytails right out...AT WORK! Yikes! Wouldn't that be weird?

How I Am Feeling

• My face feels hot.
• My right hand is cold (probably because it is my mouse hand).
• Didn't get much sleep last night (as usual). My theory is that the chemotherapy makes me tired and sleepy, so I sleep all day, then cannot sleep when I am supposed to. I am going to try and tough it out today so I can sleep tonight. Kinda hard though when you are not feeling good. I find it difficult to watch television - can't concentrate well enough to stick with a program. So, then I end up watching the clock. Wish me luck.
• I took my pills for the morning:

• • 2 Dexamethasone (for hitting home-runs)
  • 1 Prilosec OTC (to help combat acid stomach - which will replace Pepcid...but should have been Protonix!) (I know, I am supposed to take 2, but I am going to take 1!) (I am going to call the pharmacist! ...or Cindy S! ..or maybe Peter K!
  • 1 Compazine (anti-puke)

• My head feels heavy.
• My pulse seems to race (I can tell this at night when all is quiet and I am wide awake).

I have started a baby blanket for my friend, Amitha. That will help me while away the hours today.

Thank you, Auntie Josie and Uncle Luis for the Chicken Mole Enchiladas yesterday evening!

I am sure you all know that the reason for chemotherapy is that it kills all fast-growing cells - which is why it is so good for fighting cancer cells. Included in fast-growing cells are: hair (of all types....hehehe) (meaning nose hair, eyelashes and eyebrows, too!), skin, cancer cells of course, and taste buds. And so I have heard from several people that my appetite will decrease, that food will taste funny, meat may taste sour, etc. So everyone anticipates my appetite will go down. The Chemo Nurse Practitioner, Kathleen, even gives me meds to take to help keep my appetite up. HA!

They have no idea who I am. As if taste has ever mattered to me. LMAO! As if I even taste my food. Hello! I am a CRONAN!

Debbie, thank you for the desserts for the jewelry party on Sunday. They were delicious.

Arlene, thank you for the pasta salad and the cupcakes that you brought, too. They were yummy!

My Ponytails (courtesy of my sister Erin)

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow.

My hair is still intact. However.. Signs my hair will soon be falling out:

1. Combing my *detangled* wet hair after showering results in several strands of hair in the comb and on the sink!
2. Running my fingers through my dry hair during the day results in a few strands of hair in my fingers without any tugging at all!
3. Purposely tugging 5 hairs (just for fun) results in 5 hairs in my hand - with virtually no pain at all!
4. Tweezing my eyebrows is just as easy as # 3! (...Easy as 1,2,3!)

So, my hair is going to come out whether or not I want it to...So I might as well take part in it and feel some control, right? I have heard many women on the subject of losing their hair (breast cancer patients such as myself), and they say it comes out in chunks...And not all at once. What they have said is that they get tired of vacuuming it up off of everything: the bed, the pillows, the floor, themselves. And so they either shave it off themselves, or they ask someone - a son or daughter living with them - to help them shave it off. This sounds good to me! I anticipate it giving me a feeling that I have some control over when and how it comes out.

When I tell people that I plan on shaving my head they get quite concerned about the timing. They tell me to wait until it starts coming out, if I am going to shave it at all. Hello! That's the plan! I certainly don't want to walk around with stubble on my noggin because I was over anxious! On the other hand, I don't want to run both hands through my hair...You know...like over both sides...then end up with two handfuls of hair and a mohawk!

So, last week, I asked my nephew (Aaron), to help me shave my head. He said he would be delighted to do it for me. But I kind of put him on stand-by (since I didn't know when ...And I still don't) He reminded me of his birthday coming this week, but he said he would if he could, and only if he didn't have to work. He is a great guy. He is 23 years old today. And it looks like today might be a good day to do it. Unfortunately, because it is his birthday today, he won't be able to do it for me today - he has birthday plans. DARN IT! I am going to ask my sister, Arlene to do it. ...to shave my head. I was a little hesitant to ask her to do it, and I didn't know why...but then when she found out that I had asked Aaron (her son) to shave my head, she was upset. And she mentioned that she could do it better, and that she could give me a mullet! So maybe that's why I was hesitant to ask her. And I know Arlene has a very busy schedule with all of her kids and work and the puppies and everything...that played into it.

See, here is the thing: that might have been a funny joke if it was my joke, but it wasn't my joke. It's not such a great thing to get motivated about - losing one's hair.

Losing my hair is the single most dreadful thing I am going to have to get through during breast cancer treatment.

I am not looking forward to it. I am trying to keep a smile on my face about it, and I need to know that I can trust the people around me to take care of the fear that is growing inside of me. I am sure Arlene was just joking - and joking in a way that I may very well have done myself, or would have appreciated in any other situation. Maybe I am too sensitive. But, this is my head we are talking about. I don't know of one woman who really looks forward to losing their hair.

I am scared.

I know Arlene loves me - I am her sister. I know she didn't mean anything by it.

That being said, I am going to ask her to shave it off ...maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I know she will do a good job. I hope she can do it for me.

I have asked my little sister Erin to help me section my hair into little ponytails that we can clip off . This way I can send my ponytails to LocksOfLove.org. Locks Of Love makes wigs for children who have cancer. I don't want to throw away hair that could be used for a wig for a child with cancer. Plus, I understand cutting the hair short is necessary prior to shaving the head, anyway. :o) So, God willing and schedules permitting, my wonderful sisters will be here with me when the hair comes out. Their presence will give me strength and courage. I wish my mom could be here, too.

(My mom passed away on December 3, 2000. She was a breast cancer survivor for 4 years. Plus, she looked so cute with no hair!)

Chemo # 2 - CHECK!

OK! Now I have had 2 chemotherapy infusions and only 6 to go. That means I am 25% done! WOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-HOO! Alright!

I had a much better time in there today than I had two weeks ago for a few reasons:

1. Mark and I got there at about 8:30am so we were a little earlier than our 9:00 am appointment. We were, therefore, able to score the prime recliner. This way, Mark could sit right next to me in the guest chair. We had a full house for the rest of my time there, too.
2. I got a little tearful on the way in to the doctor's office, but managed not to cry in the infusion room, itself.
3. I was able to sit in the chair to optimize my chi. I was positioned so I was facing the door. and had no sharp edges pinting towards me. Actually, there are two chairs that have a view of the door, but my chair was the best position. :D

This time chemotherapy took a little less time according to the nurse...don't know why. Like, a few minutes.

SEEING RED

After chemotherapy I had to go immediately to the potty (I should have relieved my bladder before - will do next time! I had forgotten that is was a long appointment to sit still for...and I saw another woman have to drag her IV and stand into the potty...don't want to have to do that). Did I mention that after my chemotherapy my urine is red? It's because one of my medications (really strange to call it a medication when it is actually killing certain cells in my body...I will call it a DRUG from now on) is Adriamycin. Adriamycin is RED. Hehehe. I was joking around with my nurse today about how I was ready for my BLOODY MARY - all that was missing was a celery stalk.

NEW RX

After chemotherapy, we went to Longs Drugs #94 to pick up a new prescription to combat the acid stomach I have had for the last two weeks. It was written for #30 PROTONIX, T1 PO QD (30 pills take 1 tablet by mouth every day). What I got was PRILOSEC OTC #56, Take 2 capsules daily. In my Patient's Drug Monograph was a folded explanation (kinda): it was a DUR Reject from the insurance company that indicated the insurance would not cover the drug because I had not satisfied their STEP THERAPY requirement. What I should have done at that point was ask for a consultation, although I had not realized that I wasn't getting the medication I was prescribed...at least I did not recognize it as such. HEY! Aren't patients supposed to be offered a consultation on new prescriptions anyway?!

SHEFFIELD and the BEER

I watched the Yankess/Red Sox game tonight with Mark for a while. Did you see the Sheffield thing? I am furious that the guy who tossed the beer onto Sheffield was not ejected - FOREVER. There were a couple of angles on the *incident* and I don't think the commentators at ESPN saw the right angle to catch that guy in the GAP sweatshirt tossing the beer - they said it was accidental -BULL FERTILIZER. That guy with the beer is a real turd. Harumphf! I am going to "Hit the Hay" (as my dad used to say..he lived for a while on a farm while growing up, actually).

Almost 1/4 done with Chemo!

We went to see Dr. Sherman today for our regular "Day-Before-Chemo Complete Blood Count and Consultation" visit. GREAT NEWS! I was thinking that I was to have 11 infusions of chemotherapy - which is strange because that is more than anyone I have met in the support groups - but I was wrong! I only have 8 infusions - and I have already had 1! WOOHOO! Wow. I was thinking I must have had a very large and agressive tumor to have warranted so much chemotherapy. I was figuring I would be bald for ALL of the Oakland Athletics games this season - but it doesn't look that way at all. It would have been ok, either way, though. I would know that I would definitely be free of any chance of microscopic cancer cells...

I haven't started losing my hair yet...but I feel it is coming soon. When I got out of the shower today and combed my hair I was very careful not to tug at any tangles. And there weren't many tangles anyway, thanks to PERT. I did notice there was quite a bit of hair in the comb...but on the other hand..not so much as I would think based on what the ladies in support tell me to expect. I have got to get back to the wig shop for one of those turban things that comes with bangs...they seem really easy to put on immediately - without fuss. I am pretty sure I will not be wearing a wig much at all...they are uncomfortable. And hot. And itchy.

My Headaches

I have had headaches for several days. They cause me pain on the right side of my head - like shooting pains...all day long. I tried to go to work yesterday after going to see the doctor, but the pains kept coming and usually right when I started to laugh and have a good time. Geez! That ain't no fun. It's like my friend Mary Ann says, "It's like it's just to remind you that you are sick, isn't it?"

Mark is sick, I think. He had been complaining of a sore jaw a few days back...a sore jaw and headache. It has since become a very sore throat and hoarse voice. Unfortunatety, we were unaware that it was anything more than a headache until the sore throat kicked in - hence, we didn't treat it like possible virus. So then yesterday I came home early with both headaches and a sore throat...and today I don't feel much of a sore throat but I believe my glands in my throat are a bit swollen. Hopefully this is my body kicking the virus out so I will be ready for CHEMO #2 this week!

I gotta do my taxes still...

My MRI Scan Results (left arm)

My MRI scan of my left arm

April 10th - Jewelry Party for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer

Had a Cookie Lee jewelry party today. Liz (the consultant) is donating 25% of the proceeds to my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I made $90.00! Thank you everyone who helped me make it there! I am doggone tired right now though. It is funny how well I do when there are people around - then I get so exhausted when they go. My back is killing me. I guess this is the kind of thing I need to try and avoid - overdoing it. I need to reserve my energy for getting better. I guess I know what the doctors are talking about now. The thing is that I don't feel tired when I am having a great time like today - but I am sure feeling it now.

I copied a bunch of pictures to a memory stick for the party. We have a new Sony TV that accepts Memory Sticks and plays the contents as a slide show- it was wonderful. It had lots of pictures of my family and even pictures especially selected because they included people who had come as guests to the party. It made my sister and my aunt cry, though (pictures of my mom and dad). I included some pictures of my PET scan and even scanned in my findings from the MRI of my left arm - pretty interesting stuff. I may post the MRI up here - maybe the last page. It has the interesting stuff on it.

I had a few episodes of diarrhea this afternoon unfortunately. I think it may have been the dessert. Other than that I am incredibly exhausted so I will close now... I had a great day, friends! I love ya!

WARNING: The following post contains BM descriptions

I have been reading up on the possible side effects of chemotherapy as they pertain to my digestive system. I guess what has been happening to me is not all that uncommon or unexpected (my bowel movements have been different...they are much much more frequent and a bit loose). I feel as though I should be close to the toilet almost all day long - because of the frequency of evacuation. (I really must be full of ___ ). I really hadn't expected to feel affected by chemo for this long...maybe only for the first few days. It turns out the chemo started kicking my butt (pardon the expression) on day 4 and onward. Previous to day 4, I experienced the vomiting - or the sensation that I was going to vomit. So basically - I have been in the bathroom for a week and a half. Pretty Crappy! (or not...)

Gotta go potty

I am spending most of my days in the restroom.

blogblogblog

All of my life I have been yearning to be the center of attention. I have to say I have been enjoying the attention, lately. Is that bad? Sometimes I get caught up in the drama of the cancer: the stage, the sickness... Sometimes it's like I finally have something to talk about - that people are interested in. I have to be careful. I am not usually conscious of how thin a line exists between stage 3 and stage 4 cancer. I have always appreciated shock value - but this is a very cruel game when it comes to cancer. See, it's easier for me than the rest of you- I have the cancer. You don't. I don't have control of it...but you don't either. It is not hard to have cancer....there is nothing to do but exist and let the treatment take over. How hard it must be to stand sentry over me? I don't know what I am trying to say....except thank you...and I am sorry...and thank you.

Here we go.

I haven't been feeling good. My mouth constantly feels like I need to brush my teeth. My skin feels a little sore. Did I mention the day-long headaches?

Deirdre & Mark 

Spring Forward

Kathleen told me to take the anti-nausea medicine at the onset of nausea. Hey man, it's not liike you get a lot of notice when it comes to nausea, right? Ok. So I'll have to take it as soon as I open my eyes in the morning, because it got me again today. Yak!

We had a nice visit tonight with my cousin, Yolanda and Saul (her hubby).

I felt pretty beat up, though, otherwise. I sleep a lot - energy is low. Acid seems high in my throat for most of the day. It's gross.

I am looking forward to the day I get my head shaved. I asked my nephew, Aaron, if he could do the honors for me one day (probably) next week. They say the hair comes out in chunks - but I don't want to walk around like Gollum (Smeagol) so I am aimin' to get it all shaved off. ( I will definitely take before and after pictures of my head to post here!)

I tried to log in to work to check my email - looks like my remote access form has not been approved. *sigh* No surprise there.

Well, I am going to try to get some shirts ironed for Mark... I would have blogged more, but I lost an hour today due to Daylight Savings Time. Thanks for stopping by to read my blog!

Yak! again

Another Yak! day... I am going to have to take the anti-nausea as soon as I get up in order to avoid the pukies.

Yak!

I threw up this morning. Yuck. I didn't throw up yesterday - which is when I expected it - but today? Bingo. It's like I can't find the right angle to sit or lie in. Sitting up doesn't feel right - all I do is look at the clock. Lying down doesn't feel right - feels like acid in my throat. A 45 degree angle seems to work best...but I can't do that in bed because we have no headboard - and the bed is against the window. Rats.

Mark and I will be going to support meetings at The Wellness Community on Monday nights from now on. I am glad he will be able to speak to some people going through what he is...it must be hard. I will go with him on Mondays (separate rooms - one for Patients and one for Caregivers) and I will go on my own to the Newly Diagnosed Cancer Patients on Tuesdays. There is also a Young Women's Breast Cancer Group and a regular Breast Cancer Group, but we'll just see how we do with Mondays and Tuesdays for now.

Going to bed now - I don't have the desire even to watch the Final 4 with Mark.

YOWCH!

Today was a little bit rough. I felt like I had acid in my throat all day until I went for my white blood cell booster shot at 3pm (uh...YOWCH! That hurt!) - the nurse told me that the acid feeling was normal for some - and that I should try some Pepcid. She was right. Unnerving, though. I was wearing my A's cap and A's sweatshirt for my booster shot - Then the nurse told me as I was walking out the door how great a Giants fan she was... I wonder if a Giants jersey would win me any less pain next time? Now I am going to relax some more...watching the A's and Giants on High Definition! Go A's!

I just figured out how to post pictures!

...can you tell?

The John A. Cronan Family: (L to R) Erin, Deirdre, Angie (mom), Daniel, Arlene and Michael

Arlene signed up for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer!