Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow.

My hair is still intact. However.. Signs my hair will soon be falling out:

1. Combing my *detangled* wet hair after showering results in several strands of hair in the comb and on the sink!
2. Running my fingers through my dry hair during the day results in a few strands of hair in my fingers without any tugging at all!
3. Purposely tugging 5 hairs (just for fun) results in 5 hairs in my hand - with virtually no pain at all!
4. Tweezing my eyebrows is just as easy as # 3! (...Easy as 1,2,3!)

So, my hair is going to come out whether or not I want it to...So I might as well take part in it and feel some control, right? I have heard many women on the subject of losing their hair (breast cancer patients such as myself), and they say it comes out in chunks...And not all at once. What they have said is that they get tired of vacuuming it up off of everything: the bed, the pillows, the floor, themselves. And so they either shave it off themselves, or they ask someone - a son or daughter living with them - to help them shave it off. This sounds good to me! I anticipate it giving me a feeling that I have some control over when and how it comes out.

When I tell people that I plan on shaving my head they get quite concerned about the timing. They tell me to wait until it starts coming out, if I am going to shave it at all. Hello! That's the plan! I certainly don't want to walk around with stubble on my noggin because I was over anxious! On the other hand, I don't want to run both hands through my hair...You know...like over both sides...then end up with two handfuls of hair and a mohawk!

So, last week, I asked my nephew (Aaron), to help me shave my head. He said he would be delighted to do it for me. But I kind of put him on stand-by (since I didn't know when ...And I still don't) He reminded me of his birthday coming this week, but he said he would if he could, and only if he didn't have to work. He is a great guy. He is 23 years old today. And it looks like today might be a good day to do it. Unfortunately, because it is his birthday today, he won't be able to do it for me today - he has birthday plans. DARN IT! I am going to ask my sister, Arlene to do it. ...to shave my head. I was a little hesitant to ask her to do it, and I didn't know why...but then when she found out that I had asked Aaron (her son) to shave my head, she was upset. And she mentioned that she could do it better, and that she could give me a mullet! So maybe that's why I was hesitant to ask her. And I know Arlene has a very busy schedule with all of her kids and work and the puppies and everything...that played into it.

See, here is the thing: that might have been a funny joke if it was my joke, but it wasn't my joke. It's not such a great thing to get motivated about - losing one's hair.

Losing my hair is the single most dreadful thing I am going to have to get through during breast cancer treatment.

I am not looking forward to it. I am trying to keep a smile on my face about it, and I need to know that I can trust the people around me to take care of the fear that is growing inside of me. I am sure Arlene was just joking - and joking in a way that I may very well have done myself, or would have appreciated in any other situation. Maybe I am too sensitive. But, this is my head we are talking about. I don't know of one woman who really looks forward to losing their hair.

I am scared.

I know Arlene loves me - I am her sister. I know she didn't mean anything by it.

That being said, I am going to ask her to shave it off ...maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I know she will do a good job. I hope she can do it for me.

I have asked my little sister Erin to help me section my hair into little ponytails that we can clip off . This way I can send my ponytails to LocksOfLove.org. Locks Of Love makes wigs for children who have cancer. I don't want to throw away hair that could be used for a wig for a child with cancer. Plus, I understand cutting the hair short is necessary prior to shaving the head, anyway. :o) So, God willing and schedules permitting, my wonderful sisters will be here with me when the hair comes out. Their presence will give me strength and courage. I wish my mom could be here, too.

(My mom passed away on December 3, 2000. She was a breast cancer survivor for 4 years. Plus, she looked so cute with no hair!)