Pedicure, Manicure, Cheesburgure

I went for a walk today with Arlene, but I couldn't go far - my ribs were not feeling good enough or strong enough to go even a couple of miles. We did what I could though. That's something. So I came home and crapped out with Mark on the bed - took a very long nap. I'd say I selpt from 11:15 am to about 4:45 pm. Then I got in the shower because I met Mary Ann at the nail shop. We got pedicures and manicures. My nails are starting to get purple - the nail beds. Another chemo side effect. But my feet look gorgeous. Thanks Mary Ann for calling me to go with you! (Her sisters took her out today - it was her birthday!) After getting the nails done we went over to the Red Robin and I picked up a couple of cheeseburgers to go for Mark and me. Now I am going to right back to bed - still tired I guess. Or all the carbs! Ha!

How my hair came out

When my hair started coming out, there was just a lot of hair in the brush. But when my sister Arlene helped me shave it off, it came out kinda weird. You know how regular hair comes out, if you tug? Like you can see the hair plug come out ...a little white thing that comes out of your scalp? Well, the chemo hair came out like it had been burnt on the scalp end - no white thing on the end. Just like it had been burned. It was weird.

Chemo #3 - check!

Yesterday I felt the worst yet. When everyone asks how I am doing, this is the day they were meant to ask it. Horrible. Awful.

• red urine
• stinky chemical smelling urine - chemical like a perm in your _______ but a different weird smell
• feels like you're on the verge of vomit...but you never get to
• constipation (not so bad after only 1 day..it's the third day that gets weird)
• tingling arms and hands. Feels like they fell asleep, and are coming back to life...like ants...but they don't go away.
• I was lying down yesterday and am halfway there again (love the laptop), but the nausea comes in waves..so I have to shoot to a sitting up position real fast when I get that acid feeling. Rough.

The arms and hands tingling is new for me - but I guess I should expect it - that is one of the possible side affects.

I am noticing dark spots on my hands - palms and the backs of my hands - they look like age spots.

Hardly got any sleep last night. Last time I looked at the clock it was 4:14 am. Then I got up at 6:30 am when Mark went to work.

Gosh, they say it is going to get worse as the chemo goes on. That's gonna suck.

Alien Nation-y

Well, my cousin-in-law, Saul was right. Saul said he knows someone at work whose skin got darker and darker as chemo treatments continued. That's what is happening to me. My hands are getting dark...like a dark suntan. And I am getting freckles. They aren't little freckle dots. They are more like patches of dark. I believe the medical term is SPLOTCHES. So now I look like a character on Alien Nation. Kinda. Actually, my head doesn't have the freckles, but my face is getting them.

Chemo is done for the day. We didn't get THE ultimate best seat in the house today. But, still Mark got to sit next to me..and we watched Apollo 13 on the new laptop PC. Great display on this puppy. Great movie, too. It is the 35th anniversay of the Apollo 13 Mission. Apollo 13 was launched April 11th, but entered the Moon's orbit on April 13th, 1970. Watching the movie made the time go by nicely in the chemo room. It was busy again today - lots of cancer killing going on over there at the doctor's office!

I sure do get pretty weepy at any little thing these days. I cried at several parts of the movie, I cry at any memory of my mother, I cry if the wind blows a certain direction.

I am feeling a little woozy right now, I think I will go pee some red stuff...and then lie down for a long nap. Oh yeah, gotta take my Protonix alternative (Prilosec). I am feeling pretty acid-y right now. Did I say I puked last night? Gosh, I could hardly get any sleep last night...then I threw up, too. I hate nights like that. They are coming more frequently.

Dr. Sherman says I must be doing something right...to have my bloodwork so perfect when I see him on Wednesdays. I think he says that to all the girls...

Breast Cancer Haiku

This is wonderful. Click it.

So Sleepy...& Acidy...& Blistery...

Yep. Did it again. Got nothing done today that I was supposed to. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I am not sure what is happening to me....why I am so sleepy. I know, DUH...chemotherapy. But why so late in the two-week interval? Also, I notice the days before my chemo seem to be the worst days for the acid stomach. One more thing: I break out in these little blisters all over my arms and hands a couple of days before the chemo, too! WTF? (I don't think I mentioned it but before my FIRST chemo treatment I broke out in hives. Those of you who know me from work, the hives used to perplex me...until Yan pointed it out that it seems to happen when I am nervous about something)

Hump Day

So much for getting the homework done! Yesterday I slept for 5 hours during the day - when all I wanted (thought I wanted) was a little nap. I guess I needed a bit more than that. Couldn't believe I was able to sleep through the night. I am going to do my best to get the homework read, at least. There is a huge project at work that they need my help on - and I am determined to give them my help - but I am not sure how much I can get done.

Today is Wednesday, so we have to go get my blood cell counts taken this afternoon. Then we gotta run the results upstairs to my medical oncologist so he can tell me, "Looks good - see you tomorrow!" Then tomorrow I get the drip again. I can hardly wait for Thursdays. It seems such a long time in between chemotherapy treatments.

I have some stubborn stubble on my head. Hopefully it will come out with gentle loofah-ing. Or buffing? I am not sure how it will come out...maybe it will come out eventually?

This evening Mark and I are hosting a Team Meeting (Tickled Pink). We'll talk about how we are all doing with regard to raising the neccessary funds for the Avon Walk For Breast Cancer. We are also going to discuss the possibility of holding a charity golf tournament in order to get the $1800.00 per team member minimum. We should also discuss how we are all coming along with training for the event. It's a looooong walk. I haven't walked for a week and a half, actually. Not good. I need to walk more often. Mark had the foresight to enter us in the Bay To Breakers - that would be a good training walk for us. Plus, it's a good half-way marker to the Avon event. That will let us know how we are doing. The B2B is on May 16th.

My job for today is to get my car down to the Shell Gas Station to get a diagnostic check on the overheat problem and an estimate for repairs. So I guess I better get some clothes on and get it down there. Maybe a short nap first? LOL

*Sigh*

Mark and I went to look at cars yesterday evening - but after a while - I just felt like throwing up. I didn't, but I sure felt like it. Then this morning, after returning a rental car I used over the weekend (my car was putting out some bluish smoke from the exhaust last week - didn't seem safe to drive - and Mark & I didn't get a chance to go car shopping last week), my car overheated on the way home...I barely made it to the driveway. Rats! I don't like car problems. But the older my car gets, the more problems I am going to have. Kind of like a person's health, isn't it? I was going to try to get to work today...but now I am exhausted. I have some homework to do - but first I am going to lie down and take a nap.

Discrimination?

Jacquenette and I went to the Concord wig place to pick up my special ordered hairpiece yesterday. I had been there before of course - to order the hair and I have also purchased a wig from this place. They were nice to me...and Mark, too. They laughed when I put on the afro wig last time I was there...and I wanted to show Jac how it looked - make her laugh too. So I put it on, and then the ladies told me I wasn't allowed to put on the wigs. Not without a wigcap. Well I was confused! They had let me put them on before....but, no problem. Ok, I wouldn't put them on. I joked to Jac that it was because I came in with her (she is a black woman). Hehehe. But then I thought - maybe it was because they didn't recognize me - last two times I was there in their shop I had hair. But this day, I came in bald. Ok so I tried to pay with my American Express Card and found out they did not accept AE, so I would have to come back later. (Jac says it was a ripoff anyway - the price I was paying for that hairpiece. That is when we decided to go to the hair shop where she got her cute 'do - in Stockton)

So we went to the wig/hair shop out in Stockton. I was looking for something called a *quick weave* - which is like a cap of curls. The shop specializes in African-American hair products. This is a place where Jacquenette has shopped in the past, and we came here specifically because I wanted a hair thingy just like the one Jac has, and this is the place she got hers. Ok. So we went in (I was not wearing a hat or anything - bald). We went to the counter and a young man helped us and found the hairpiece we were looking for - I wanted to try it on so bad (it is really cute!). The young man helped us cut the ties in the package that were preventing us from trying on the wig, and then Jac proceeded to help me put it on and straighten it on my head - to get a feel for it. Then all of a sudden, the other salesperson told us we were not to try on the hairpieces - not without a wigcap. This did not bother me, really - but I joked to Jac that it must be because I am bald! That is when Jac piped up and told the salesperson that she has never ever been told she must wear a wigcap in that store, that she has been there several times and has tried on different hairpieces - ALL WITHOUT A WIGCAP. The salesperson insisted that I may only wear the hairpiece after I have purchased it. Jac was pissed. We were going to buy the thing - no problem. Jac was incensed about the fact that the sales staff was being inconsistent...and it seemed to point to the fact that it was because I was bald - both situations. She told the staff as we were leaving they need to be consistent in the way they treat customers. That this kind of *policy* should be enforced by all salespersons, all of the time, so as not to be offensive to customers.

Jacquenette is a good person.

So Tired Today

I am so tired today. I spent the weekend hanging out with my friend, Jacquenette. We went to a bar on Saturday night - to sing karaoke! I went with no hair. I was a little scared...but I did it. It is easy to be confident with Jacquenette. She is confident! She helped me do this - without hair. The people at the bar were very nice - no one made me feel uncomfortable. No one. I think I like not wearing a hat or wig or scarf. It's cooler for my head. Anyway I am so tired I could just lie down right now at 8:00 pm. I just wanted to put something in the blog since I hadn't in a few days... Have a good week!

DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD

Ding Dong!

The Witch is dead.

Which old Witch?

The Wicked Witch!

Ding Dong!

The Wicked Witch is dead.

Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.

Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.

She's gone where the goblins go,

Below - below - below.

Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.

Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.

Let them know

The Wicked Witch is dead!

Another Lost Special Day

I owe Mark a lot. I owe him some great birthdays when he won't have to worry about me ...or make wishes over his birthday candles on my behalf. We had cake and ice cream, but we would normally have gone to baseball game and to some National Park for a picnic and a trail walk - just us.

I am sorry for this.

Bloody Nose

I just realized I had not written in the blog about the bloody nose I had early this week. Not a big deal, though. I had been feeling a little allergy-ish about the nose (Mark, too)..and then all of a sudden I had a bleeding nose. My sweet boyfriend - he got a bloody nose, too...sympathetic, maybe? I love him!

No Mutation Detected

We met with Dr. Patricia Kelly on Wednesday (the Genetics Scientist). Dr. Kelly gave us the good news: the blood test results indicate "NO MUTATION DETECTED". What does that mean? The term NO MUTATION DETECTED is a negative result. This means the test did not find a mutation responsible for hereditary cancer risk in the genes my test analyzed.

How are genes and gene mutations related to cancer?

Genes carry instructions to make proteins. The proteins made from genes related to hereditary cancer risk are responsible for ensuring that cells divide normally. When one of these genes has a deleterious mutation - or harmful change - the protein it makes does not work properly. As a result, cells in certain parts of the body may divide unchecked - multiplying without stopping and eventually leading to a cancerous tumor.

How does a genetic test help determine the risk for hereditary cancer?

Genetic tests look for mutations in specific genes known to be associated with hereditary cancer risk. If a deleterious mutation is detected, it indicates that the individual is at increased risk for certain cancers. It also helps family members define their own risks for cancer by allowing them to be tested for the identified mutation.

For more information on Breast Cancer Risk Assessment: www.ptkelly.com

My New Look

I am so happy! Arlene helped me shave my head yesterday. I really like it!

What I like about my new look:

• no hair in my eyes ...ever!
• no hair tickling Mark when he hugs me!
• no having to comb or brush or curl or spray my hair!
• huge $ savings on hair care products!
• it takes 45 minutes less time to get ready or work!
• it feels soft...like a baby's bottom!
• it feels so good to rub!
• it's cool to the touch (I am usually warm..this has a cooling effect)!
• it's C O O L !
• people get out of my way in public!
• my head has no scars and is shaped like...a head!
• wigs (should I decide to wear one) fit better than they had when I had hair!
• I lost weight! (ok about 4 ounces)

I have kidded around over the years about not having hair...wishing BALD as in fashion. I never ever have liked hair in my eyes.

I remember my very first day of school at Highlands Elementary: My mom had my grandma cut my hair into what we called a pixie cut. I hated it. I knew everyone would hate it...all the new people I would meet at school.

I remember swimming practice: I loved my hair short (I guess it grew on me) because I didn't need to wear a swimcap. Swim caps were always too hot!

I remember growing up: When fixing my or my sisters' hair, Mom would always pull it back so tightly from our faces into an elastic thingy.

The hair started coming out yesterday...in clumps...and it felt so good to pull most of it out, having been in those ponytails for a few days. So then Arlene and I went to Longs Drugs to get a Hair Clipper set (I wanted to be sure and pull the hair out that could come out..less stubble, see?) Once we got all the hair out that we could using the brushes and combs (I looked like Gollum), Arlene started with the hair clippers. She got it down nice & tight ....then I went to the shower and lathered up! I couldn't resist grabbing the Venus razor! Now I am smoooooth! It is really quite easy to shave a head with a razor. You can feel the spots that you miss. And I have no nicks!

Oh yes, the best thing of all about my new look:

I am killing cancer!

Topless Deirdre! 

Good Day - Darn Tired Now

Good day today. I went to work in the afternoon. I wore the ponytails but with a bandana around the top like a doo-rag. It wasn't long before the doo-rag came off. Everyone seemed to get a kick out of the ponytails. They are quite cool on my head. I was making jokes about how I could spin real fast and take out any walking target with a flick of my head in the right direction (with flying ponytail, of course). Kathy said I was "locked and loaded". She was right. It was so nice to see everyone again. I had seen them last week...but I miss everyone. I won't see them again since I am off for a couple of days - scheduled vacation!

Also I have found that once my adrenaline gets running, it is hard for me to settle down until I fall down. Going to work gets me all charged up - I get to catch up with my friends. It's a great time. I need to get more done at work, though. I need to pay more attention and pace myself.

I felt a bit queasy this afternoon at work...so I left early. My head gets light in the afternoon - especially when I get all charged up early in the day. Plus I had little sleep last night. I am finding that being outdoors really helps me keep my stomach. Something about the fresh air. I managed a walk with my sister to get ready for the Avon Walk.

I went to the grocery store tonight. Spent a lot of money. And now I have no energy to get the groceries put away. Oh well...I will just wait for Mark.

(Partially) Sleepless in Concord

Another sleepless night. Well, partially sleepless. It was about midnight when I got up with a start. I had to head in to the bathroom to vomit a bit. Just a little bit. Then back out to bed. Couldn't sleep much after that.

Lots of times I feel like there is a hand tightening around my throat. I used to think it was because of the collar of the shirt I was wearing, but I get that feeling whether or not I am wearing a collar.

The medical team tells me I am going to stop menstruating while on chemotherapy. Well it's not this month! Hello! This is the heaviest period I have ever had.

I spend a lot of time in bed trying not to wake Mark up. Impossible. He sleeps so lightly. I wish I were a quieter person. I'll bet he does, too.

Mark's Birthday Is Coming!

Mark's birthday is coming on Wednesday, April 20th. We are both scheduled off that day. We have a doctor's appointment. We will be meeting with Dr. Patricia Kelly about our results of the Genetic Tests (BRCA1 and BRCA2) ...and whether or not I have the genetic mutation that predisposes me to Breast and/or Ovarian Cancer. Good to know!

Yosemite National Park

Mark and I got out of the house again today - we drove out to Yosemite National Park. That was my first time there! It looked pretty nice - from the tunnel. We took off about 11:00 am just to see if we could make it...I really wanted to go for a drive today. We got back about 7:30 pm tonight. We only stayed for a brief nap once we got through the tunnel down at the Park opening off Highway 120.

I took a picture of Mark with my telephone...sitting on the edge with the waterfalls and the valley behind him, but I screwed it up and didn't save the picture before turning off the phone. It was really a beautiful picture. Oh well!

I guess you can tell I have had another good day today. One thing that does feel unusual is that my chest feels a little weak - like it's hard to get a good deep breath. Maybe that is what the nurse was trying to warn me about the Neulasta (white blood cell booster). She did tell me that it would be the large flat bones - like my sternum.

There is one other thing that bothers me a little: It felt so light-headed early today. But the ride out to the park was fine. I think driving has a lot to do with the fact that I felt okay. I am not sure how I will do if I had to concentrate on any one thing for any length of time. But I am going to give it a shot tomorrow at work.

Yep, still have my hair, but I haven't looked at it or touched it all day. It is still in my ponytails and underneath a bandana. Ooooooh...I am afraid to touch it!

Weird occurrence of the day: I created roadkill on the way back from Yosemite. Gross.

Thanksgiving Day in April

Today I am thankful. Thankful for many things:

1. I still have my hair.
2. I have nice hair, too! It is shiny and silky feeling. I will miss it.
3. I have had such a good day today. Not sick at all. Whew!
4. I had a good time at the driving range - although I didn't have enough oomph for an entire bucket of balls, the half bucket I DID manage was fun - and I hit the ball well.
5. I am looking at a beautiful rose that grew in my garden. I cut it and put it in a vase and it is gorgeous.
6. The Blue Dove over my front porch had TWO chicks! Today, Mark and I saw them both peeking out from under their mommy. Precious!
7. Those chicken tacos my sister Arlene brought over last night - with the chocolate pie - were quite yummy today and that means I didn't have to cook! I love that.
8. I got to chat online with Mark's mom in Ohio tonight. She is a very nice lady.
9. Mark took me yesterday to get a turban thing to wear on my head just for those times when I just need SOMETHING on it. I really wanted one like my mom had - a baby blue one with bangs in it...but they didn't have one in that color at the wig shop in Concord Park & Shop. SO I got one in my favorite color - RED! I love it a lot! And we also ordered a hairpiece that goes into hats! I can hardly wait until it gets here.
10. After chemo on Thursday, Mark took me to get my very own laptop computer! WAHOO! This way, I can blog from the chemo room! I am so excited! He is wonderful. Simply wonderful. Oh yeah, and it's got a dvd player of course! I am hoping they have a wireless network I can tug on to send email out, too.
11. I am soooo thankful that my shot of Neulasta didn't seem to hurt as much as last time. I wore my SF Giants jersey just in case the other gal was there to give me the shot (the SF Giants Fan).
12. It feels sort of like they didn't give me enough chemotherapy this time. I just don't feel that bad. THANK YOU! (Last time the third and fourth days were the worst, then there were the constant headaches, but here's hoping that I continue to feel as good as I do today....for a few more days at least.)
13. I got a little warning from the nurse who gave me the Neulasta: my bones may feel sore for the next couple of weeks. WTF? What does that mean? As I understood it, the Neulasta is the WHITE BLOOD CELL booster shot. Well, heck, what did I know? Sister Arlene asked me where were they getting the blood cells...but I didn't know, and I didn't really consider her question, either. Well it was explained to me that the Neulasta is actually a shot of *stuff* that gives my bone marrow a jump start - tells it to start manufacturing more of my own white blood cells! Isn't that interesting? Amazing what science has given us. THANK YOU, SCIENCE!
14. Thank you for all of my generous coworkers, friends and family.
15. And thank you for the breast cancer. I mean it. I have learned so much and it really hasn't been all that bad. It has been exciting and interesting...and I have met so many people who have helped me in many ways - be it in a hospital setting or support group setting - or chatting online - or in my own house - they are my family - they are my friends. Thank you. It could have been sooo much worse for me. I caught my breast cancer just in time, and I am a healthy person. Thank you, God, for my health!
16. Mark is so good to me. Thank you, God, for Mark.

Still Got Hair Today

Well, so I still have my hair that my sister (Erin) tied in ponytails last night. She was able to get my hair into 36 ponytails so I could have nice long donations for LocksOfLove.org. Unfortunately, the longest of my ponytails was 9 1/2 inches and the minimum length to submit should be 10 inches. Oh well. The other good thing about the ponytails is that it keeps my hair from falling out all over the pillows and sheets and everywhere else. I really like this hairstyle! I took a picture of my ponytails and posted in the blog - down a couple of posts. It is cool and it keeps all of my hair out of my eyes - I hate it in my eyes.

Is that enough links to the ponytails page or what?!

I felt so good today we went to the Golf Course - Mark and I. We went out to Lone Tree Golf Course (that's where my sister Erin does a little moonlighting as a waitress on the weekends) to the driving range. I only had enough stuff (energy) to smack about a half a bucket, but it was so nice outside I could not resist a quick road trip.

I am not quite sure how everyone else is taking my ponytail hairstyle...but it seems to make most folks get out of my way. heheheeee... That's ok with me. I hope I don't scare folks, though.

I hope the ponytails stay until at least I go to work on Monday. I would love to have everyone there see me like this. Maybe by then we can put entire ponytails right out...AT WORK! Yikes! Wouldn't that be weird?

How I Am Feeling

• My face feels hot.
• My right hand is cold (probably because it is my mouse hand).
• Didn't get much sleep last night (as usual). My theory is that the chemotherapy makes me tired and sleepy, so I sleep all day, then cannot sleep when I am supposed to. I am going to try and tough it out today so I can sleep tonight. Kinda hard though when you are not feeling good. I find it difficult to watch television - can't concentrate well enough to stick with a program. So, then I end up watching the clock. Wish me luck.
• I took my pills for the morning:

• • 2 Dexamethasone (for hitting home-runs)
  • 1 Prilosec OTC (to help combat acid stomach - which will replace Pepcid...but should have been Protonix!) (I know, I am supposed to take 2, but I am going to take 1!) (I am going to call the pharmacist! ...or Cindy S! ..or maybe Peter K!
  • 1 Compazine (anti-puke)

• My head feels heavy.
• My pulse seems to race (I can tell this at night when all is quiet and I am wide awake).

I have started a baby blanket for my friend, Amitha. That will help me while away the hours today.

Thank you, Auntie Josie and Uncle Luis for the Chicken Mole Enchiladas yesterday evening!

I am sure you all know that the reason for chemotherapy is that it kills all fast-growing cells - which is why it is so good for fighting cancer cells. Included in fast-growing cells are: hair (of all types....hehehe) (meaning nose hair, eyelashes and eyebrows, too!), skin, cancer cells of course, and taste buds. And so I have heard from several people that my appetite will decrease, that food will taste funny, meat may taste sour, etc. So everyone anticipates my appetite will go down. The Chemo Nurse Practitioner, Kathleen, even gives me meds to take to help keep my appetite up. HA!

They have no idea who I am. As if taste has ever mattered to me. LMAO! As if I even taste my food. Hello! I am a CRONAN!

Debbie, thank you for the desserts for the jewelry party on Sunday. They were delicious.

Arlene, thank you for the pasta salad and the cupcakes that you brought, too. They were yummy!

My Ponytails (courtesy of my sister Erin)

Hair Today...Gone Tomorrow.

My hair is still intact. However.. Signs my hair will soon be falling out:

1. Combing my *detangled* wet hair after showering results in several strands of hair in the comb and on the sink!
2. Running my fingers through my dry hair during the day results in a few strands of hair in my fingers without any tugging at all!
3. Purposely tugging 5 hairs (just for fun) results in 5 hairs in my hand - with virtually no pain at all!
4. Tweezing my eyebrows is just as easy as # 3! (...Easy as 1,2,3!)

So, my hair is going to come out whether or not I want it to...So I might as well take part in it and feel some control, right? I have heard many women on the subject of losing their hair (breast cancer patients such as myself), and they say it comes out in chunks...And not all at once. What they have said is that they get tired of vacuuming it up off of everything: the bed, the pillows, the floor, themselves. And so they either shave it off themselves, or they ask someone - a son or daughter living with them - to help them shave it off. This sounds good to me! I anticipate it giving me a feeling that I have some control over when and how it comes out.

When I tell people that I plan on shaving my head they get quite concerned about the timing. They tell me to wait until it starts coming out, if I am going to shave it at all. Hello! That's the plan! I certainly don't want to walk around with stubble on my noggin because I was over anxious! On the other hand, I don't want to run both hands through my hair...You know...like over both sides...then end up with two handfuls of hair and a mohawk!

So, last week, I asked my nephew (Aaron), to help me shave my head. He said he would be delighted to do it for me. But I kind of put him on stand-by (since I didn't know when ...And I still don't) He reminded me of his birthday coming this week, but he said he would if he could, and only if he didn't have to work. He is a great guy. He is 23 years old today. And it looks like today might be a good day to do it. Unfortunately, because it is his birthday today, he won't be able to do it for me today - he has birthday plans. DARN IT! I am going to ask my sister, Arlene to do it. ...to shave my head. I was a little hesitant to ask her to do it, and I didn't know why...but then when she found out that I had asked Aaron (her son) to shave my head, she was upset. And she mentioned that she could do it better, and that she could give me a mullet! So maybe that's why I was hesitant to ask her. And I know Arlene has a very busy schedule with all of her kids and work and the puppies and everything...that played into it.

See, here is the thing: that might have been a funny joke if it was my joke, but it wasn't my joke. It's not such a great thing to get motivated about - losing one's hair.

Losing my hair is the single most dreadful thing I am going to have to get through during breast cancer treatment.

I am not looking forward to it. I am trying to keep a smile on my face about it, and I need to know that I can trust the people around me to take care of the fear that is growing inside of me. I am sure Arlene was just joking - and joking in a way that I may very well have done myself, or would have appreciated in any other situation. Maybe I am too sensitive. But, this is my head we are talking about. I don't know of one woman who really looks forward to losing their hair.

I am scared.

I know Arlene loves me - I am her sister. I know she didn't mean anything by it.

That being said, I am going to ask her to shave it off ...maybe tonight. Maybe tomorrow. I know she will do a good job. I hope she can do it for me.

I have asked my little sister Erin to help me section my hair into little ponytails that we can clip off . This way I can send my ponytails to LocksOfLove.org. Locks Of Love makes wigs for children who have cancer. I don't want to throw away hair that could be used for a wig for a child with cancer. Plus, I understand cutting the hair short is necessary prior to shaving the head, anyway. :o) So, God willing and schedules permitting, my wonderful sisters will be here with me when the hair comes out. Their presence will give me strength and courage. I wish my mom could be here, too.

(My mom passed away on December 3, 2000. She was a breast cancer survivor for 4 years. Plus, she looked so cute with no hair!)

Chemo # 2 - CHECK!

OK! Now I have had 2 chemotherapy infusions and only 6 to go. That means I am 25% done! WOO-hoo-hoo-hoo-HOO! Alright!

I had a much better time in there today than I had two weeks ago for a few reasons:

1. Mark and I got there at about 8:30am so we were a little earlier than our 9:00 am appointment. We were, therefore, able to score the prime recliner. This way, Mark could sit right next to me in the guest chair. We had a full house for the rest of my time there, too.
2. I got a little tearful on the way in to the doctor's office, but managed not to cry in the infusion room, itself.
3. I was able to sit in the chair to optimize my chi. I was positioned so I was facing the door. and had no sharp edges pinting towards me. Actually, there are two chairs that have a view of the door, but my chair was the best position. :D

This time chemotherapy took a little less time according to the nurse...don't know why. Like, a few minutes.

SEEING RED

After chemotherapy I had to go immediately to the potty (I should have relieved my bladder before - will do next time! I had forgotten that is was a long appointment to sit still for...and I saw another woman have to drag her IV and stand into the potty...don't want to have to do that). Did I mention that after my chemotherapy my urine is red? It's because one of my medications (really strange to call it a medication when it is actually killing certain cells in my body...I will call it a DRUG from now on) is Adriamycin. Adriamycin is RED. Hehehe. I was joking around with my nurse today about how I was ready for my BLOODY MARY - all that was missing was a celery stalk.

NEW RX

After chemotherapy, we went to Longs Drugs #94 to pick up a new prescription to combat the acid stomach I have had for the last two weeks. It was written for #30 PROTONIX, T1 PO QD (30 pills take 1 tablet by mouth every day). What I got was PRILOSEC OTC #56, Take 2 capsules daily. In my Patient's Drug Monograph was a folded explanation (kinda): it was a DUR Reject from the insurance company that indicated the insurance would not cover the drug because I had not satisfied their STEP THERAPY requirement. What I should have done at that point was ask for a consultation, although I had not realized that I wasn't getting the medication I was prescribed...at least I did not recognize it as such. HEY! Aren't patients supposed to be offered a consultation on new prescriptions anyway?!

SHEFFIELD and the BEER

I watched the Yankess/Red Sox game tonight with Mark for a while. Did you see the Sheffield thing? I am furious that the guy who tossed the beer onto Sheffield was not ejected - FOREVER. There were a couple of angles on the *incident* and I don't think the commentators at ESPN saw the right angle to catch that guy in the GAP sweatshirt tossing the beer - they said it was accidental -BULL FERTILIZER. That guy with the beer is a real turd. Harumphf! I am going to "Hit the Hay" (as my dad used to say..he lived for a while on a farm while growing up, actually).

Almost 1/4 done with Chemo!

We went to see Dr. Sherman today for our regular "Day-Before-Chemo Complete Blood Count and Consultation" visit. GREAT NEWS! I was thinking that I was to have 11 infusions of chemotherapy - which is strange because that is more than anyone I have met in the support groups - but I was wrong! I only have 8 infusions - and I have already had 1! WOOHOO! Wow. I was thinking I must have had a very large and agressive tumor to have warranted so much chemotherapy. I was figuring I would be bald for ALL of the Oakland Athletics games this season - but it doesn't look that way at all. It would have been ok, either way, though. I would know that I would definitely be free of any chance of microscopic cancer cells...

I haven't started losing my hair yet...but I feel it is coming soon. When I got out of the shower today and combed my hair I was very careful not to tug at any tangles. And there weren't many tangles anyway, thanks to PERT. I did notice there was quite a bit of hair in the comb...but on the other hand..not so much as I would think based on what the ladies in support tell me to expect. I have got to get back to the wig shop for one of those turban things that comes with bangs...they seem really easy to put on immediately - without fuss. I am pretty sure I will not be wearing a wig much at all...they are uncomfortable. And hot. And itchy.

My Headaches

I have had headaches for several days. They cause me pain on the right side of my head - like shooting pains...all day long. I tried to go to work yesterday after going to see the doctor, but the pains kept coming and usually right when I started to laugh and have a good time. Geez! That ain't no fun. It's like my friend Mary Ann says, "It's like it's just to remind you that you are sick, isn't it?"

Mark is sick, I think. He had been complaining of a sore jaw a few days back...a sore jaw and headache. It has since become a very sore throat and hoarse voice. Unfortunatety, we were unaware that it was anything more than a headache until the sore throat kicked in - hence, we didn't treat it like possible virus. So then yesterday I came home early with both headaches and a sore throat...and today I don't feel much of a sore throat but I believe my glands in my throat are a bit swollen. Hopefully this is my body kicking the virus out so I will be ready for CHEMO #2 this week!

I gotta do my taxes still...

My MRI Scan Results (left arm)

My MRI scan of my left arm

April 10th - Jewelry Party for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer

Had a Cookie Lee jewelry party today. Liz (the consultant) is donating 25% of the proceeds to my Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I made $90.00! Thank you everyone who helped me make it there! I am doggone tired right now though. It is funny how well I do when there are people around - then I get so exhausted when they go. My back is killing me. I guess this is the kind of thing I need to try and avoid - overdoing it. I need to reserve my energy for getting better. I guess I know what the doctors are talking about now. The thing is that I don't feel tired when I am having a great time like today - but I am sure feeling it now.

I copied a bunch of pictures to a memory stick for the party. We have a new Sony TV that accepts Memory Sticks and plays the contents as a slide show- it was wonderful. It had lots of pictures of my family and even pictures especially selected because they included people who had come as guests to the party. It made my sister and my aunt cry, though (pictures of my mom and dad). I included some pictures of my PET scan and even scanned in my findings from the MRI of my left arm - pretty interesting stuff. I may post the MRI up here - maybe the last page. It has the interesting stuff on it.

I had a few episodes of diarrhea this afternoon unfortunately. I think it may have been the dessert. Other than that I am incredibly exhausted so I will close now... I had a great day, friends! I love ya!

WARNING: The following post contains BM descriptions

I have been reading up on the possible side effects of chemotherapy as they pertain to my digestive system. I guess what has been happening to me is not all that uncommon or unexpected (my bowel movements have been different...they are much much more frequent and a bit loose). I feel as though I should be close to the toilet almost all day long - because of the frequency of evacuation. (I really must be full of ___ ). I really hadn't expected to feel affected by chemo for this long...maybe only for the first few days. It turns out the chemo started kicking my butt (pardon the expression) on day 4 and onward. Previous to day 4, I experienced the vomiting - or the sensation that I was going to vomit. So basically - I have been in the bathroom for a week and a half. Pretty Crappy! (or not...)

Gotta go potty

I am spending most of my days in the restroom.

blogblogblog

All of my life I have been yearning to be the center of attention. I have to say I have been enjoying the attention, lately. Is that bad? Sometimes I get caught up in the drama of the cancer: the stage, the sickness... Sometimes it's like I finally have something to talk about - that people are interested in. I have to be careful. I am not usually conscious of how thin a line exists between stage 3 and stage 4 cancer. I have always appreciated shock value - but this is a very cruel game when it comes to cancer. See, it's easier for me than the rest of you- I have the cancer. You don't. I don't have control of it...but you don't either. It is not hard to have cancer....there is nothing to do but exist and let the treatment take over. How hard it must be to stand sentry over me? I don't know what I am trying to say....except thank you...and I am sorry...and thank you.

Here we go.

I haven't been feeling good. My mouth constantly feels like I need to brush my teeth. My skin feels a little sore. Did I mention the day-long headaches?

Deirdre & Mark 

Spring Forward

Kathleen told me to take the anti-nausea medicine at the onset of nausea. Hey man, it's not liike you get a lot of notice when it comes to nausea, right? Ok. So I'll have to take it as soon as I open my eyes in the morning, because it got me again today. Yak!

We had a nice visit tonight with my cousin, Yolanda and Saul (her hubby).

I felt pretty beat up, though, otherwise. I sleep a lot - energy is low. Acid seems high in my throat for most of the day. It's gross.

I am looking forward to the day I get my head shaved. I asked my nephew, Aaron, if he could do the honors for me one day (probably) next week. They say the hair comes out in chunks - but I don't want to walk around like Gollum (Smeagol) so I am aimin' to get it all shaved off. ( I will definitely take before and after pictures of my head to post here!)

I tried to log in to work to check my email - looks like my remote access form has not been approved. *sigh* No surprise there.

Well, I am going to try to get some shirts ironed for Mark... I would have blogged more, but I lost an hour today due to Daylight Savings Time. Thanks for stopping by to read my blog!

Yak! again

Another Yak! day... I am going to have to take the anti-nausea as soon as I get up in order to avoid the pukies.

Yak!

I threw up this morning. Yuck. I didn't throw up yesterday - which is when I expected it - but today? Bingo. It's like I can't find the right angle to sit or lie in. Sitting up doesn't feel right - all I do is look at the clock. Lying down doesn't feel right - feels like acid in my throat. A 45 degree angle seems to work best...but I can't do that in bed because we have no headboard - and the bed is against the window. Rats.

Mark and I will be going to support meetings at The Wellness Community on Monday nights from now on. I am glad he will be able to speak to some people going through what he is...it must be hard. I will go with him on Mondays (separate rooms - one for Patients and one for Caregivers) and I will go on my own to the Newly Diagnosed Cancer Patients on Tuesdays. There is also a Young Women's Breast Cancer Group and a regular Breast Cancer Group, but we'll just see how we do with Mondays and Tuesdays for now.

Going to bed now - I don't have the desire even to watch the Final 4 with Mark.

YOWCH!

Today was a little bit rough. I felt like I had acid in my throat all day until I went for my white blood cell booster shot at 3pm (uh...YOWCH! That hurt!) - the nurse told me that the acid feeling was normal for some - and that I should try some Pepcid. She was right. Unnerving, though. I was wearing my A's cap and A's sweatshirt for my booster shot - Then the nurse told me as I was walking out the door how great a Giants fan she was... I wonder if a Giants jersey would win me any less pain next time? Now I am going to relax some more...watching the A's and Giants on High Definition! Go A's!

I just figured out how to post pictures!

...can you tell?

The John A. Cronan Family: (L to R) Erin, Deirdre, Angie (mom), Daniel, Arlene and Michael

Arlene signed up for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer!