Cancer Knocks You Down

These are some of the ways Cancer breaks you down:

1. You are diagnosed with cancer. It feels like you've got a dog's choke collar on and you just peed on the carpet. Only, you haven't. Cancer just peed on you.
2. The surgery. Think about it: you are having surgery to remove one of the things that make you a woman. Oh yes, let's not forget the discussion you get before surgery ...you know the one about the advanced directive? And the form you have to fill out "just in case"? Nice.
3. The appointments. The waiting rooms, the forms, the endless scans, tests, exams, IV's, tech's searching for veins, bruises from their unsuccessful efforts. Basically you are poked and prodded over and over again. It leaves you wanting to hire that one person who could actually find the vein to come with you to every appointment that involves a needle.
4. The effect it has on your career. Cancer treatment must be aggressive. And it takes a long time. Cancer doesn't care how long you've been on the job or what your project plan is. It doesn't care if you have health insurance.
5. The chemotherapy weakens you physically. Chemo is made to kill cells. If you were active before diagnosis, you are stopped. If you were sedentary, forget it. You may have been able to do anything you wanted to. Cancer has a different idea about you now. And you will be brought to your knees. Literally.
6. The chemotherapy makes you bald. You are a woman, but you look like a _____ (who knows what?) People don't know what is going on with you, and they don't ask. I wish they would ask.
7. The hormone therapy. The chemotherapy will usually take a woman like me - premenopausal - and make her postmenopausal. I will never ovulate again. Imagine, you are a 39 year old estrogen-rich young woman in February, and then in November you are like a 55 year old woman. Oh yes, since my tumor is hormone receptor positive, it means that I will never be able to use hormone replacement therapy. Just another way Cancer takes away your womanhood.

There is no deciding how you proceed after your diagnosis. You attack back. You must. It's not easy. And Cancer has experience at it's job. It's good at it. So we fight. We fight the anxiety, we fight the depression, we fight the urge to vomit, we fight the urge to flee to someplace with a beach and no hospitals. It feels like we probably won't die in treatment, but we could come pretty close to losing control of our faculties and in doing so, lose our dignity. We wear those damn gowns open in the back.

But I can tell you that I am glad to endure all of it. Because as hard as Cancer tries to strip me of everything I was, I know there is more to me than my body. If there is cancer in my body, take it...take it any way you must to rid me of it...it wasn't mine and it didn't belong here. I am glad to be rid of it.

"What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Endure and persist; this pain will turn to good by and by."

--Ovid

Emotional Doctor Appointment

I was pretty emotional on the day of my last doctor apointment. Here's why:

My dad passed away 10 years ago at the end of October. My mom died in December 2000. Their birthdays were in September and October, respectively. Plus, it's the holiday season. Joy to the freakin' world, man. Kidding aside, there are times when I get down and can still feel that empty feeling of loss. This day was one of those days.

Dr. Sherman explained that I might also be emotional because of the phase of cancer treatment I am in. I am in the maintenance phase. He explained that the initial attack on the cancer is over - we've done all we can for now. Now it is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. We wait and see what will happen - ever on alert, but not actively killing cancer. We wait until it presents in some symptom. I still need to attend to the side affects of cancer, like my numb leg and my blood clot (both of which I very well may have for several years). I must take my hormone therapy drug every night. And for the rest of my life I will have to get Zometa infusions. Dr. Sherman says this is the hardest part - the waiting. Yes, it has crossed my mind. What a great addition to my holiday emotional buffet of Joy!

Another Zometa Infusion

I had another Zometa infusion recently. I am getting Zometa because the breast cancer has spread to my bones.

It is always nice to visit the nurses at the doctor's office. When I got there the place was packed! (not really good to see so many people with cancer...) The room was so full: it had only one chair left. Good thing about that was that it was easy to choose a chair. Heeheee!

There was a time not long ago when most everyone who approached me asked me to remove my top so I could have a breast exam and then they touched my breast. Times have changed. Oh, they still come wanting to touch me, but now...they want to feel my new hair. I prefer this.

One of the nurses that used to set my IV up is now retired...her name is Mary. I miss Mary. But thank goodness, I still have Gwen! She is the sweetest thing. Gwen caught me with a puzzled look on my face and we talked a little bit about what was puzzling me. Then she brought my file over and explained things. She made sure I was satisfied and okay with the answers and made copies for me. Gwen is wonderful. She does the nursing, and she interacts with the patients in a very kind and caring way. She is never too busy for the patients.

I have only one complaint about the Infusion Room: the candy dish is out of Snickers Minis.

Blood

I went to see my buddies (Marevil and Alice) over at Quest Diagnostics for a blood-letting. Just kidding, it was for "big labs". It is always so nice to see the two of them. Marevil and I have been comparing Filipino mannerisms for the last few appointments. (She and I have Filipino blood) She is funny. I have a lot of fun when I am there. I look forward to going to the lab.

Speaking of blood, I got a call from the doctor's office: it was Kathleen, the Nurse Practicioner. Kathleen monitors my coagulation time (my PRO-TIME). We had to increase my daily dose of Coumadin because based on my last lab work, my blood was clotting in 19 seconds, which is too fast to be therapeutic in dissolving my DVT (Deep Vein Thrombosis -aka blood clot).

One more thing on the subject of blood: there is a mobile blood drive bus parked on one of the very well traveled roads here in my city. I get a twinge of sadness every time I see that bus. I used to give blood whenever there was a blood drive at work. Because of cancer, I can never donate blood again. This is only one of the changes to my life because of cancer.

Chiropractor AND Physical Therapist, too!

I have been seeing another man. Two of them, actually. One of them is my chiropractor and the other is my physical therapist. I have been seeing them three times per week in the hopes that eventually the numbness in my left leg (one of my side affects of the cancer treatment) gets resolved. Nothing yet. I have been noticing muscle spasms in that leg and sometimes I feel some other kind of activity in there -I am guessing that it might be some electrical impulses. I have learned how to walk on that leg pretty well now.

Regarding Mammograms

1) My first mammogram (a few years ago):

(Screening mammogram) You park the car, you go in, you check in with the receptionist, you fill out one or two forms. After just a short wait, one of the technicians calls in and out of the reception area, you change out of your top and into a gown in a small private stall, and then you are brought into a room where your breasts will be imaged by the xray machine. I was quite a bit uncomfortable with someone touching my breasts. The nice technician lines you up at the machine and places your breast on the glass. Under the technician's control, the machine brings down another sheet of glass until your breast is as squished as it can get. If the tech doesn't get a good image (breast too large to fit on the film cartridge, patient moved while the image was being captured, etc.) , the process is repeated. This is done for both breasts. Then you're done. You put your own top back on, and you will get a call from your doctor the next day with the results. Results are "negative" (for anything suspicious).

I remember the ladies I worked with at that time telling me how they hated getting a mammogram because it hurt so much. They said that their breast was squeezed soooo hard that it hurt very much. I didn't think it hurt at all, though. Yes, the procedure was the same for all of us, but it didn't hurt me like they had warned me it would. As a matter of fact, I used to joke about it to them. I'd say, "I always did like my breasts squeezed..." They would laugh.

2) My second mammogram (in February 2005):

(Screening mammogram -that's what they call them when they are certain there is a lump) Procedure might be the same as the first experience, but it didn't seem like it. It may have been due to the circumstances surrounding my exam. Hello! The differences in this experience from the first - a.) the receptionist must have given me about 12 pages to read and sign/complete. (thanks to the new laws regarding patient privacy, I guess) b.) waiting for one of the technicians to rescue me from the waiting room felt like forever. c.) I still felt a little uncomfortable with the technician touching my breasts but you just have to get it done, right? d.) ultrasound is included for a diagnostic mammogram, and I had never had an ultrasound of my breast before. e.) different results this time. (Suspicious for Invasive Breast Cancer or "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma") And, I didn't have to wait a day for the results - I got a phone call from my doctor 30 minutes after the exam asking me to come to see her at her office as soon as I could.

This time around, I was afraid the mammogram would hurt because of the lump, but it did not. The ultrasound, however, hurt like crazy.

3) My third mammogram (last week):

(Diagnostic follow-up based on PET Scan concern) I am now an expert at completing medical forms. Nothing much bothered me about the waiting room - I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. I am no longer shy about having medical personnel touch my breasts. As a matter of fact, I have to be careful because now it is a natural reflex for me to remove my top and bra when I go to a medical building, even though one of my visits was to a dermatologist...and I was there for my foot. If I had a dollar for every time someone in scrubs or a lab coat touched my breasts this year, I'd be a rich woman. Still waiting for the results of this exam.

I was in so much pain for this mammogram. I mean, YOWEE! Oh my goodness, it did hurt. It didn't hurt much at all on my right breast, but the left breast imaging was excruciating, and it was because of the scar tissue in that breast. The technician told me that I could count on it to hurt that much every time from now on in that breast. Doesn't that just suck?

Before my diagnosis - in 2004:

I never looked forward to routine check-ups in the doctor's office. I knew about monthly self-exams, but I didn't check my breasts. I kind of avoided checking them. I kind of avoided the doctors' office, too. I was not yet 40 years old so I wasn't on schedule for yearly mammograms yet. Yes, I knew a little about breast cancer - we are all inundated with pink ribbon stuff every October during Breast Cancer Awareness Month, aren't we? We raise money for breast cancer reseach in the hopes of finding a cure - we see pictures of smiling bald women who are "beating cancer" - they are "survivors". We hear stories of advancements in medicine and unbelieveable survival rates for people with breast cancer.

Now after I have completed treatment for breast cancer - November 2005:

Now, I look forward to my doctor appointments. And now I check my breasts REGULARLY. I was nervous about getting screening mammograms once a year, and now I will have to have a mammogram every six months. I really know about breast cancer now. And now, even when it is not October, I see the face of breast cancer. I see it every time I visit the chemotherapy infusion center, I see it at breast cancer support group, and I see it everyday in the mirror.

If I had known in 2004 what I know now, you wouldn't be reading this blog.

Mammograms can be uncomfortable to say the least. But you have to get them - you just have to. Once a year, that's it! Do it.

Giving yourself a monthly breast self-exam may make you nervous the first time. But keep it up, and you'll get to know your body.

If you need any further motivation to get your mammogram and to perform your self-exams, try picturing yourself with no hair on your head.

a-HA! Information on Hair Phases!

Hair on the scalp grows about .3-.4 mm/day or about 6 inches per year. Unlike other mammals, hair growth and loss is random and not seasonal or cyclic. At any given time, a random number of hairs will be in various stages of growth and shedding. There are three stages of hair growth: catagen, telogen, and anagen.

Catagen - The catagen phase is a transitional stage and 3% of all hairs are in this phase at any time. This phase lasts for about 2-3 weeks. During this time growth stops and the outer root sheath shrinks and attaches to the root of the hair. This is the formation of what is known as a club hair.

Telogen - Telogen is the resting phase and accounts for 10-15% of all hairs. This phase lasts for about 100 days for hairs on the scalp and much longer for hairs on the eyebrow, eyelash, arm and leg. During this phase the hair follicle is completely at rest and the club hair is completely formed. Pulling out a hair in this phase will reveal a solid, hard, dry, white material at the root. About 25-100 telogen hairs are shed normally each day.

Anagen - Anagen is the active phase of the hair. The cells in the root of the hair are dividing rapidly. A new hair is formed and pushes the club hair up the follicle and eventually out. During this phase the hair grows about 1 cm every 28 days. Scalp hair stays in this active phase of growth for 2-6 years. Some people have difficulty growing their hair beyond a certain length because they have a short active phase of growth. On the other hand, people with very long hair have a long active phase of growth. The hair on the arms, legs, eyelashes, and eyebrows have a very short active growth phase of about 30-45 days explaining why they are so much shorter than scalp hair.

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I will tell you that just last night I was telling Mark that I would be happy if my hair never grew longer than it is today. It would be fine with me. If it grows, it grows. If it doesn't, it doesn't! I am not sure I would like it any longer, actually. I am enjoying how little time it takes to get ready to go somewhere. And I like the feel of it. We'll see. :-)

Crackling

I keep forgetting to write about the fact that when I breathe, I hear crackling in my chest. I have told Dr. Sherman about it and he dismisses it in many ways. He listens to my chest with the stethoscope and says he hears nothing, he checks my neck and feels nothing, he checks my ears and throat and says he see nothing, and then tells me I may have caught a virus or something. But I have been coughing (dry coughs) for the last two months and I can hear myself rale when I breathe. What gives?

Hair

A few posts ago, I posted a picture of my head, so I could show off my hair. Well, I have been telling Mark that I think it (my hair) has stopped growing. I mean, come ON...it is taking soooo long to grow any longer than it already has. Mark says it is in "the thickening phase". I think he is joshin' me. You know what else? I haven't had to tweeze my eyebrows in a couple of months. Also, my underarm hair has not been growing like it used to, either. Harumphf! I wonder why...

Maybe it's because of the new drug I am taking: Arimidex.

???

Pet Scan Report

The doctor called me last week. He said "The PET scan is clear!", and that was it. I said, "Okay." and we hung up. Well great! After a couple of days, however, I realized how short that conversation was. I have a copy of a previous PET scan, and it has a lot of information in it. So, I called the doctor's office and requested a copy of the report. It says, "No definite evidence of disease." Alright!

However, it does mention several things:

It mentions some hypermetabolism in the right A/C joint due to degenerative activity in there (I have no idea about this). It also mentions residual hypermetabolism in my lumbarsacro spine (I have no idea about this either). It also mentioned some hypermetabolic activity in my lumpectomy scar in my left breast. I have noticed that my left breast feels a little sore sometimes, but I don't know why. The radiaolgist who wrote this PET report suggested followup to this area soon. Well, lucky for me, last time I saw Dr. Sherman I asked him, "How will I know the difference between my scar tissue and a lump?" and Dr. Sherman wrote up an order for a mammogram. He appeared to have forgotten to set me up for routine screening mammograms. Kind of like how he seemed to forget (until we asked) to tell us about tumor markers, and how he forgot to write me a prescription for Coumadin when I got the port put into my arm....he forgot until I came in with a clot. Things like this don't instill a confidence in us. And they seem to happen too often. Heck, forgetting to tell me about something in my treatment once is too often for me thank you. The report also showed some symmetric hypermetabolic activity in my tonsillar areas which, the radiologist says, is most likely physiologic. This explains the swollen glands in my jaw from last week and the earache I just got over.

This is why I love the report! It shows me how my body works. If I had not read the report myself, I would have wondered about the earache...and I would have probably called the doctor to make an appointment.

Anyway, my appointment for my diagnostic mammogram is coming soon, and thank goodness. I have read that many times, recurrence occurs in the scar area, and my scar area has been a little sore. While the PET scan shows "no definite mass" in the area, it definitely shows activity in the area. The radiologist thinks it is important to follow up on, and so do we (Mark and I).

Oh yeah, one other thing on the PET scan report is that the seroma in my left armpit is getting smaller (it is now 2.7 cm). It's about time that sucker is shrinking! My surgery was on February 28th, for goodness' sake!

The report could be better..it could have said, "No evidence of disease" instead of what it actually did say ("No definite evidence of disease") But then it could have been many, many times worse.

Radiation Burn

Mark pointed out a radiation burn that I not seen before. it is on my back, and appears to be where the radiation exited my body. Cool!

Halloween

We had a nice Halloween, thanks to my sister Erin helping me with the decorations. They were fantastic! I went and picked up a pumpkin on Halloween Day. I carved it myself, with a very large knife. I was careful not to stab myself, lest I bleed to death due to the anticoagulant I am taking. My sister took a picture of the pumpkin with the candle inside, I will have her email it to me so I can post it here. We had only a handful of Trick-Or-Treaters in my neighborhood, but my niece and nephews enjoyed the decorations, so it was worth it. I went out to ride along with my sister and her kids a few blocks over, but I got tired after just a short trip out. Earlier in the afternoon, my sister, Erin, and I drove over to the Radiation oncology department at the hospital. I was wearing my Sumo Wrestler inflatable costume and my white mask. I was trying to be scary but everyone just laughed! That's cool. I think my job on earth has been to make people laugh. I think I am pretty good at it, but I am sure I am not as good at it as I think I am. I just sent an email asking Kristen (from the Radiation Oncology dept) to send me the pictures they took. We then went over to my other sister's place of business, but the visit was short, as I was getting short of breath and felt like I was going to faint. My body felt cool, but my head was pretty warm from the "hair" that came with the costume, and the mask.Can you see me there, in the Sumo Wrestler suit? I am holding open the door...

Another PET Scan Today

I just got back from another PET Scan. I asked for a copy of the scan and they gave me a disk! Awesome! Luckily, the disk came with a viewer so I could read the images on my pc... Lot of good that does me, though. I have no idea what the results of my scan were. LOL. The report is the thing I need. Although, it is quite fun to go through the images real quick...it's like what you see on Discovery Channel...slices of my body...one slice at a time....very cool.