Chemo #1 - CHECK!!!

There was a lady sitting next to me, to my left, in the Chemo room. Very kind face, nice lady - but after seeing me shed some initial tears, she told me - "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." But I think she's wrong. My life is not going to be like this. And I certainly intend to outlive this cancer. I understand what she was trying to say to me, and it did give me some comfort, but I'm not satisfied with this being the rest of my life. Now, here's for the (Dr. Rosanne) gorey details... So we got there a little before 9:00, to an almost packed house. Hardly enough room for Mark to come in and keep me company. There were barcoloungers wall-to-wall. And, we have graduated to using the alternate door in the doctors office. I call it the "Frequent Flyer" door. I met Gwennie-Gwen-Gwen, and she sat me down and helped wipe my tears while across the room I held onto my lifeline just by connecting eyes. [Note to self: we're gonna have to get there earlier and beat the old Betty's to the prime location in the corner of the room - it's bad Fung Shui not to be able to see the door] First the Iodine, then she poked me with the thick L-shaped needle to start the saline drip. A few minutes later she was back with some decadron - anti-nausea. Once that was finished, she brought the big red dog. Adriamycin. The big red dog was done in 15 minutes, and I didn't feel a thing. Next up, cytoxan. Took a half-hour. Lastly, heparin - anti-clot. It's kind-a like having 2 drinks of alcohol, sitting down - you find out when it's time to go potty, just how drunk you are. I was pretty drunk... My sister Erin came. I heard the nurse ask if she was on my HIPPA form. So Mark went out to make sure everything was in order so she could visit with me. I love them very much. I was a little dizzy afterwards, using the restroom, but we made it home just fine. I took a nap after having a go at how many cars I could crash into on the XBox. I always felt safe with Mark's driving skills, which is why I fell into a deep hour-long nap, as Mark took over the control. I woke up to a bad dream. My mom was in it, I can't remember much, but I remember her telling me to do something and I could not do it. Erin came to the house and we watched Cold Mountain, but all the while I felt my brains sloshing in my head and was more difficult today than usual to inhale and exhale and raise my eyelids. Everytime I look at the clock, only 5 minutes has passed. Besides all that... I know I'm getting better - even though I'm feeling worse, I know I'm getting better. Bob brought over Xiaofeng's chicken, which I ate with some carrots that Mark boiled and a side of gusto. I am going to find some kind of flower to plant from seeds. I don't know what kind of flower yet, but I'm going to plant some. The more the flower grows, the less cancer in me, and the less chemo I have to go to. I would like to thank Mark for typng this all up. If there are any typeoes, it's his fault. And I am sure he left out 3 compliments to him along the way (she MADE me type that). We'll update the website with pictures of Gwennie Gwen Gwen and Marevil in a couple of weeks. That's all. I'm tired. Go A's. Good night.

GO FOR THE CURE!

I got back home a little while ago from the pharmacy. I had to pick up Compazine (my anti-nausea drug) and Dexamethasone (corticosteroid). I believe the steroid is to keep my appetite up (as if I have ever missed a square meal in my life) during the chemotherapy.

I also had an appointment with my Radiation Oncologist. A few entries back I wrote about confusion between what was reported on the PET scan and what was seen on the MRI scan - basically there is something in my upper left arm that looks odd. [The radiologist today actually used the word *funny* when speaking of how my *humerus* bone appeared on the film.] He admitted my arm looks strange - but he wasn't going to say that I have cancer or metastasis in my arm - because we just don't know. Dr. Maccabee explained that he stands by Dr. Sherman's order to continue full-bore with the aggressive cancer treatment = chemo + radiation = cure.

Dr. Maccabee explained the other side of the question and answer: What if it IS a metastasis? What if it IS cancer that is in my arm? (It really is a tiny spot on my arm - only about 1 cm) If it is breast cancer metastasized in my arm - the likelihood that the cancer has traveled to other areas of my body is greatly increased. And if that is the case....the good Dr. Sherman would most likely not treat me with chemo and radiation right now and we would work on things like giving me a good quality of life. See, the thing is - if it has metastsized - the cancer would be incurable. OK! That is what I needed to know!

So the great thing about chemotherapy is that it is meant to kill things just like this! Ok, well actually the chemo is for killing the microscopic cells out in my body - but this is just what this area of concern in my arm is needing. But what I am talking about up to this point is IF the thing in my arm is cancer. BECAUSE WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. It could be just a bone cyst or something like that (don't what those things are - but it could be things that are not cancer, so says Dr. Maccabee. So this is good. We are going to watch my arm - and if there is cancer there, the chemo should wipe it right out. The alternative to continuing on the treatment road we have planned would be to forgo the chemo & radiation and just assume that I have metastasized, incurable cancer. FORGET THAT. I want to go for the CURE.

Team: TICKLED PINK

My sister, Arlene, has joined the Avon Walk and has registered as a WALKER! We have combined forces and have started our own team: "TICKLED PINK". Click to be transported to our Avon Walk Team Page! I tried to load a couple of pictures of the two of us (one from 1968 and another from 1998 or so...) can't figure out why I can't see either one of them. But not to worry - my sister has a link at the bottom of our team page where you can see her picture. We look alike - no surprise (duh). Our mother had breast cancer. Her name was Angelita Padilla Lumbre Cronan. She has since passed away (Dec 2000) but not from breast cancer. Our dad's mom (Grandma Dunton aka Ruth Viola Truesdell Cronan Dunton) had breast cancer and lost her battle with it in 1973. We have had enough of breast cancer. The walk is on July 9th and 10th, so it is time to start training! I went for a walk with Mark on Saturday on a trail in Clayton - it was beautiful. I'd say we went at least 2 miles. We are going to keep training as long as I am able to eat cupcakes (hehehe).

Cancer Support

I went to a Cancer Newcomer's group tonight in Pleasant Hill at The Wellness Community. It was great. Mark couldn't break away from work to come with me- I really missed him sitting beside me. There were two other couples besides myself - one has cervical cancer (diagnosed Feb 2004) and the other has lung cancer (diagnosed March 2005). I hope to see them again. The way it works is you go to the newcomers' meeting (2 hours) and then you sign up to meet with one of the interns for a one-on-one. This is where they show you what is available to you, and try to find things that might interest you and try to find days and times that work with your schedule...all for free! I told Mark all about it - (they also have support group for caregivers that are held at the same time as the patient support group - but in different rooms) I told them all about Mark, too! They have the newcomer class every Monday night - Mark and I are going to go together next Monday. :-)

Come on, CHEMO!

I am so excited! We start chemotherapy sooooon! WOOHOO! I have been waiting so long it seems to start "chemo". Dr. Sherman tells me that the Chemotherapy and the Radiation Therapy is for insurance's sake. We got all the cancer from my breast, as per the pathology report, and chemo will take care of any microscopic cancer cells that might have happened to sneak out of the breast without us knowing to any other parts of my body. We had to wait at least four weeks after surgery before starting chemotherapy. IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER. I don't like knowing that there might be some cancer cells hanging around trying to divide!

A Bigger Leaf Blower, Maybe?

I was thinking the other day about my life. It is like a big unfamiliar paved path...in Autumn...and there are so many leaves that have fallen, I cannot see my path. In Autumn, I know my path is there, I can feel it under my feet. I need to use the leaf-blower, don't I? I have to use it. Just like the path under the leaves, my life path is hidden from me sometimes. It would be great to have a grand idea of how my story is going to unfold, and then have it be that way. But I don't know. And I cannot choose. I can guess, and I can make choices along the way...these help me feel good about where I will end up. But sometimes, I just gotta use the blower. Some days I may only get a yard or two down the path. I may sometimes end up distracted on the lawn...losing sight of the path. But if I keep using that blower, I'll be fine. Every day. Blow the leaves away. Make it fun. Be happy. Be happy that I am removing the obstacles that block my way home. Be excited about the things that I might discover, for they are things that will delight me when I get around them. These obstacles will be the things that mark how far on my path I have come. Without the obstacles I will never know my strength. This breast cancer is dropping a LOT of leaves on my path. I think I will shop for a little bigger leaf blower. In the meantime, Mark and I are working our tails off.

Familiar Faces At The Hospital

Mark says that if I ever lose my job I should go work for the FBI Missing Persons Bureau. He says I know everyone. Silly! I do run into a lot of people I have met, though...and today I ran into several people I have met over the last two months at John Muir Hospital.

OBVIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME THERE. I think the only peole who spend more time than me at the hospital get those parking spots reserved for them: DOCTOR PARKING ONLY.

Bad Dream

I am finding it increasingly difficult to get to sleep at night. I had a bad dream about two weeks ago: I was having my first infusion of chemotherapy and at some point I felt something was going wrong with the medication going into my body...then I started feeling woozy and tried to alert a nurse. The nurse was already aware that I needed attention, and came to my side and started fiddling with the chemo port and catheter in my arm. In my dream I felt she was getting frustrated because I was asking her for help and because she was unsure that she would be able to figure out what was going wrong. I managed to utter a faint "Help me" but shortly thereafter I died...in my dream. It was actually quite peaceful, and I woke up from the dream shortly thereafter. I told Dr. Kelly about this dream and she acknowledged that what I am going through is a very scary thing. "And," she said, "you are going to get through it."

Mark is a very light sleeper and I try not to keep him up, too. But he is getting pretty exhausted with all of this like me and so is sleeping much deeper than normal. Bless his heart.

ARGH!

We met with Dr. Patricia Kelly again today. She gave us information about what the test results would be able to tell us - if I test positive for the BRCA1 and/or BRCA2 gene mutations (These mutations, if found in my DNA, would indicate that breast cancer may have been inherited from my parents, and that would pass it on if I bore children. More importantly this genetic mutation would slightly increase my risk of developing ovarian cancer.) Dr. Kelly also gave us a kit we are to use tomorrow for the blood testing. We also spoke very briefly with Dr. Sherman (he is in the same office as Dr. Kelly) to see if we could meet with him to further discuss the results of the MRI and PET tests. I was watching Mark ask Dr. Sherman if we could talk and I was concerned at watching Dr. Sherman's body language - he seemed to shrug Mark off... basically, he told Mark that he would be glad to talk to us about the tests but we would have to go get the films from the hospital first - so we could have something to talk about. Funny, Dr. Sherman was able to talk to me yesterday without the films... Anyway, Dr. Sherman told us we should go get the films, then call for an appointment. Sort of reminiscent of the film fiasco we went through over at Pacific Imaging. Why is it that we are having to fetch our our films? Mark and I are not feeling very good about this uncertainty - the discepancy between the PET and the MRI as to the location or nature of the hyper-metabolism/metastasis. We don't appreciate having to go back and forth across the street to fetch films that were *discussable* the previous day so that the doctor can have his conversation with Mark about them. We also do not appreciate being told to call and make an appointment when we are standing in the very room where the phone will ring when we call, standing next to the person who will make our appointment for us. Tomorrow we will get the genetics testing started. It will take about four weeks for the results to come back from Myriad in Berkeley. Another couple of important things to know is that if I carry those genetic mutations, my sisters might also. My older sister Arlene has a daughter, and my younger sister Erin may have children yet, as she is only 36 years old. They might consider getting tested, too. If I carry the genetic mutation(s) which will put me at higher risk for ovarian cancer, I would consider having my ovaries removed altogether - the cancer treatment could knock me into menopause anyway - and once you hit menopause your ovaries are no longer needed.

After sending the blood off to Myriad, I will head back to work for a few hours, then I will be off to the appointment with Dr. Sherman to discuss the films we had to go fetch from across the street.

CAN WE PLEASE START THE CHEMOTHERAPY NOW? IT'S TAKING FOREVER TO GET HERE.

Spotty on Spot

Interesting news from Dr. Sherman today. He says there is a conflict between the information from the PET Scan and the information from the MRI. Dr. Sherman says it is unclear whether the hyper-metabolism came from the soft tissues in my arm, or from the bone marrow area. YIKES! Mark is going to call Dr. Sherman tomorrow to find out more information, since what I got is a little spotty. I know Mark has better questions for Dr. Sherman. I will ask Mark to help me update the blog with the info from Dr. Sherman. What I do know is that the treatment (the chemo and the radiation) will probably not change...maybe just another zap with radiation specifically at that spot in my arm after chemo & radiation is done...some time in October. This, of course, after another sets of tests to see if the hyper-metabolism still exists after the treatment(s).

She's A Real Piece Of Work

I had a meeeting at work today with the director, my supervisor, and on conference was Carrie from the H.R. Dept. It was a good meeting. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Basically, H.R. told me they support me and told the director that she is going to work with me to get us all through this cancer situation. Carrie was very nice. I might have said before in this blog that the director has given me the impression that she wants me out of the department. Well, when H.R. hung up on the conference, the director told me, "Well if H.R. tells me I have to work with you, then I have to work with you." Isn't that nice? Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Oh yes, she made it clear that she is going to assign me work and plenty of it...and with DEADLINES! Ooooh. Make my day, why don't ya? She even threatened to *back-fill* my position - even after FMLA was explained to her...and how it was the employees' job protection. Nice. ILLEGAL! Well I feel the love, don't you?

Another MRI done.

I think the Avon webpage confusion is straightened out. ..I think. I had another MRI today. The purpose of the MRI was to get more information on the area of my arm that showed hyper-metabolism in my PET Scan. The technician there at John Muir couldn't get all of the contrast dye into my vein, (although she gets an *A* for effort) but hopefully she got enough of it in so that I won't need to go back for another set of images on the MRI machine. Man, that sucker is L O U D! It took extra long, due to the fact that an MRI of an arm is not a popular request...and so she (the tech) had to fiddle around a little bit in order to get the right angle and all. When we were done I asked her if she was able to see the area that was of concern, and she said she did. (Sigh) I wonder what it is....I think it is more cancer. That's what the radiologist who analyzed the PET Scans thinks, too. See, when Dr. Sherman ordered the MRI after looking at the PET, he would normally have sent the PET Scan images and the report over to the place where I would have the MRI performed. However, for some reason they didn't get there , so I went to pick them up at Dr. Sherman's office. I picked up a manila folder that had 3 8 x 10's inside, as well as a three-page report on the PET Scan findings. Very Interesting, I must say. A little depressing, too. I made a copy of it to keep with my other pathology reports that I have been collecting. I better go to bed now. I have a meeting early in the morning with H.R. I think tomorrow might be the day that Longs Drugs tells me that my services are no longer wanted.

Who is Deidre Conover?!

Today I went to the Wyndham Suites in Pleasant Hill with my sister, Arlene. There was a Get Started Session held there for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. My sister registered and will be walking with me. What an exciting meeting it was! Highly motivational. We are going to create a team for the walk - my sister has lots of prospective donors for the team. I hope they come through because Mark would like to walk but is unsure if he would be able to raise the $1800.00 minimum donation. So, after the meeting we are all charged up about getting the team registered online...but I cannot access the web page I set up on the Avon site any longer! Not only that, but now I cannot even search for my name in the list of walkers! I was able to do both of the things last week. So I went back to my original *thank you for registering* email and plugged in my walker ID (922398) and up came the name "Deidre Conover". WHO IN THE HECK IS THAT? AND WHY IS SHE NOW CREDITED WITH MY $150.00 DONATION? So, I replied to that *thanks for registering* email for help. Strange, isn't it?

Another Day In Paradise

I was able to get into work again today. I was on Vicodin, but I didn't take it until after I got there. And, it didn't make me as queasy as it had the last couple of times I took it. I seemed to get a bit warm and a little *perspiry*, but I made it through without puking. I met a nice lady today - her name is Linda. Linda is a friend of my friend Xiaofeng, and Linda works in our office. Linda is a breast cancer survivor. Talking with her was inspiring. I jumped into some work today with my co-worker, KW, and I learned a bit about a new project. I wish I had remote access. If I had, I would be able to learn on the weekends...just play with the applications...I learn a lot that way. Especially when there is no documentation for a product. Hello? That is the only way to learn it when there is no documentation! What do I know? I will just have to learn about it during the week. I have a great supervisor. He is a nice man and he looks after me. I feel well supported with him. Thanks, Yan.

I am going to take another dose of vicodin because my arm just started the shooting pains again ...like 20 minutes ago. So I am going to sign off soon.

Tomorrow I am going to a GET STARTED SESSION for the Avon Walk with Mark and my sister Arlene. I am a registered walker and will be soliciting donations soon....(warning!)

Also - I spoke with my Aunt Pat in Sacramento tonight. Aunt Pat is my dad's half-sister. I have been thinking of her for a while - used to get email from her...but I have been thinking of her quite a bit lately. Dr. Kelly had asked about everyone in my family tree so we could map out the cancer in my family. I am happy to announce that Aunt Pat is alive and kicking! No cancer in her and no cancer in my grandfather's family that we know of! This is more information for our next meeting with Dr. Kelly which will be on March 23rd.

One more thing: I called Dr. Sherman to find out if he had sent my PET scan films to the MRI people at John Muir Hospital (they need those PET films for the MRI imaging on Monday, March 21st). Dr. Sherman was not in when I called. I will check with him again on Monday morning because the MRI folks say they don't have them yet (as of yesterday, March 17th). I also called Dr. Sherman's office to see if I could speak with Kathleen - the calendar she gave us is a little confusing....she was not in either. I will try them again on Monday.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Today is St. Patrick's Day. I can hardly believe it is already March. A couple of weeks ago I went to the drug store and couldn't find much St. Valentine's Day candy, although there was loads of Easter and St. Patrick's Day sweets. I couldn't figure out where the St. Valentine's candy went. Then I realized it had long past. I have been stuck running around all caught up in my cancer saga that I had missed it. Well, I did not miss St. Patrick's Day. How could I? I am Irish (and Filipino)! Did you know that the name Deirdre is an Irish name? There is a legend about Deirdre in Irish Folklore. You can read about it here or here. My sister reminded me that today was the day for Corned Beef and Cabbage, so that is what we had. It brought back memories of days gone by - family dinners, family fights, "no singing at the table!" and on and on. I miss those days....mostly I miss those people, my parents. My mom loved that we were Irish. She had a few buttons we could wear on St. Patrick's Day: "Kiss My Shillelagh" and "Kiss Me, I'm Irish".

Well, the Corned Beef turned out tough but the carrots, potatoes and cabbage were great. I also made cupcakes, but they turned out...weird. I have been getting pretty anxious about things in general lately. Like, I need to know that the dinner I prepare is great, not just good. And I am not a good cook in the first place, but I am getting worse at it, I think. I have trouble concentrating on things and so you can probably see that I must be driving Mark bananas. Plus I can't stop talking. What do I talk about? Anything, everything, and nothing. (sigh)

Anyway, I haven't been feeling well. I have gotten back on the Darvocet because my arm has really been hurting me - the shooting pains are still around. I am going to keep this one short tonight. But before I do: two jokes.

1. what do you call a boiled potato and a six-pack of beer? (an Irish 7 course meal)
2. what is green and sits in the yard all day? (Paddy O'Furniture)

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I went to work today. WHAT A GREAT DAY! It was so nice to see everyone again. I didn't realize how much I had missed everyone. This morning I was a little afraid about coming in ...I thought "They are going to make me thing about cancer!" and I figured that would make me sad and I would probably start to cry. Well, I did think about cancer, and I did cry...all before I got into the parking lot at work. See how emotional I am? Just thinking about how I might cry makes me cry. One of the best things about today was all of the super people I work with. I can tell you I have never ever felt so loved in my life. I can feel God's love and see God's love in all of the faces. I am blessed. This is truly priceless gift. I will never forget this.

The third best thing: Feeling like a viable member of society again. Heck! I was up and showered and make-ed-up-ed and even dressed before noon today! That is an accomplishment. Oh yeah...and I was catching up on work stuff, too. It was great to have a team meeting and contribute (ok, they were a few jokes...they are always jokes...but I contributed in my normal way!)

The fourth best thing about today was watching The Incredibles movie.

But I have to say that riding to work with my carpool partner was the best thing that happened today.

btw...

I am not worried about the results of the PET Scan....and you shouldn't be either.

PET Scan Results

I just got off the telephone with my Medical Oncologist (Dr. Sherman) and he said the PET scan was essentially clean, but there was an area of concern under my left arm. I told him that the left side is where my catheter was inserted and also was the site of my lymphectomy. He says they are aware of this and that it sems to be separate from these things. So what happens now? Now Dr. Sherman is going to order an MRI of my left arm so I will get a phone call from someone to schedule the MRI. My first chemotherapy appointment will be on March 30th, so Dr. Sherman says to make sure it is done before that date.

Excess Bloggage

The radiologist joked and told me that the nice incision along my areola would heal nicely and then I could continue my topless dancing. That was funny! I mean, isn't the areola one of the most sensitive areas of the entire body? Why on earth would you want to make any incision there? Why would you want to put a sharp instrument anywhere CLOSE to the areola? Geez, it if is dark pink - stay away from it with stainless steel!

My breast is warm most all of the time, and feels a little knotty due to the surgeries (scar tissue & all), it is a bit swollen and tender and my breast is basically purple again, like after the first surgery. But it is a pretty purple.....

Mark and I ordered a couple of things from gotcancer.org: a few mugs for my oncologists that say "I kill cancer" on them. We went to drop one of them off at Dr. Gorey's office. She loved it. I took the liberty of asking her about the shooting pains I have been having the last couple of days under my left arm and the ridge that seems to have formed there as well. Dr. Gorey explained that the ridge was the suture and that the shooting pains down my left arm that start in my armpit are normal and to be expected as the last part of the healing process. That was a relief. I was afraid that it might be a bad thing so long after the surgery for something to start hurting so badly. I don't want to take Darvocet anymore and the pains were making me want to take them again.

I forgot to tell her that when I lie on my left side it feels like my heart starts palpitating - probably due to the fact that my chemo port is getting a little jammed up in my heart area- so I just don't lie that way anymore. Kinda hard for a side sleeper, but I'd rather not jam up my catheter! Other than that, I guess I am doing GREAT! I will be able to go back into work this coming week sometime and am anxious to start writing tests using my new knowledge about the new drugs I am and will be taking in the future!

0 - Breast Cancer in ?? days

1. I felt a fullness under my left arm sometime around December 2004, but I did not investigate by palpating the underarm area - a little afraid, actually
2. In January 2005 I felt a definite tenderness in my left breast when getting into bed and pressing against Mark - used to make a joke about it "Be careful - don't fold my boob!" At this time I was not aware there was a lump in my breast.
3. On January 21st I had an emotional breakdown at work that lasted all day - for what seemed like no reason at all. I did not put my health and the emotional situation together at all.
4. On January 23rd 2005 at bedtime, I noticed the lump in my left breast.
5. On January 24th, 2005 I called John Muir's Physician Referral number for a doctor to see for a clinical breast exam. They gave me a few names of doctors who were relatively new so I would have a greater chance of being seen right away. I got an appointment for that day at 3:00 pm.
6. On January 24 2005 Dr. Sreenivasan became my Primary Care Physician and confirmed that I had quite a lump in my breast. She referred me to Diablo Imaging for a Diagnostic Mammogram. (a diagnostic mammogram is requested when there is no mistaking that a lump is present. It includes not only mammogram xrays, but also ultrasound films, as well.)
7. I couldn't get an appointment earlier than February 10th, so Dr. Sreenivasan spoke with someone at Pacific Imaging and managed to get me an appointment the first week of February.
8. I was afraid that the mammogram would be painful - even though the other mammogram I had back in 2001 didn't hurt one bit. I was really scared that somehow the squeezing would burst whatever the lump was and squish stuff all around inside of my breast....but it didn't hurt at all. I didn't think the ultrasound would hurt, but it did. I was watching the monitor while the ultrasonographer was doing her thing and I was struck by how irregularly shaped the lump seemed to be. It seemed to be shaped like two toilet-paper rolls - perpendicular to each other, my perspective being that of looking through one of the tubes. Strange. After the xrays and the ultrasound (the ultrasound hurt a lot more than the xrays - the xrays didn't hurt at all), the Doctor at Pacific Imaging told me it definitely needs further investigation (the lump) and that I should expect a needle biopsy in the near future, and that he would be speaking with my doctor soon.
9. My doctor called me that same day and asked me to come right back to her office for a discussion. Dr. Sreenivasan then told me that my lump was suspicious for invasive cancer. (I could see the doctor's preliminary report - I was reading it upside down). It said the lump was 2.5-3.0 cm. She went on to tell me I need to look into support groups, and that she was going to refer me to a breast surgeon, and that she would be supportive in every way she could. I said, "Ok, so let me get this straight: are you telling me that this is suspicious that I have cancer, and that it could be invasive variety? Or are you telling me that I have cancer and that you are suspicious that it is invasive cancer?" Dr. Sreenivasan told me that she is as certain as she can be without a biopsy that I have cancer. Whoa. Mark had come with me to my first appointment, and that was basically a quick clinical breast exam and a referral. He asked me if I wanted him to come along for the mammogram, so I told him "No" based on the previous uneventful doctor appointment. I wish I would have had him along. If ever I needed Mark with me, it was then.

And then the blog started, I think. Notice item numbers 1, 2 & 3. They were all signs that I should have started to string together but had not. You know why? I hadn't selected a Primary Care Physician yet. Hello?! Actually I could add an A. at the top of the list, because I remember telling my friend Kathy W. about a concern last year around the holidays - she told me to get in to see a doctor, but I was sure there would be no way I would allowed to get out of work to see the doctor during the *S.O.B.* Project. (Sigh) I can't really say how long from the time I first suspected something was amiss until the day it was confirmed that something was amiss...but then again, I don't know if anyone can. You'd have to be a helluva note-taker to trace it back.

Moral of the story:

1. Get your bee-hind into the doctor - only you know your body. Never mind the S.O.B. Project, or any other projects.
2. Get yourself a Kathy W. She's a smart lady.

My CITC experience

I was late to my PET scan. Ten minutes late. The CITC office was down on Oak Road in Pleasant Hill...not close to the hospital at all. The appointment was for 8:00am, but we were supposed to be there at 7:20am. Hello! That is like way early for me. But anyway, we got stuck in a boatload of traffic on Ygnacio Valley Road (like most everyone does) and then more traffic on Treat Blvd. Anyway, we did get there. We introduced ourselves to the receptionist and she immediately made me feel like I had just peed on the brand new carpet. I felt so bad. She made me feel bad. She has no idea how many appointments I have had since February 7th. She has no idea that I have been early to each and every one of those appointments. I am a good patient. We are cheerful and compliant. We are friendly with the people who work in the medical offices we visit and are cooperative in every way. How dare she make me feel like a 2nd grader? She has no idea what it is to be like me. So I started to cry. The time since my diagnosis has been short, but the road has been long...and stressful. I tried to cut her some slack telling myself that I was just being sensitive. Pretty counterproductive to upset the patients who come in for a PET scan. They inject you with a radioactive material and then have you relax in a dark room with only new age music - no books - no reading - no talking - no stress. Well, I made it through the 45 minutes of darkness, and then the additional 25 minutes of PET scan (no moving - no talking - no stress, etc.). But when I came out of that place, Mark told me that of the four people who were now waiting in the waiting area of the place, all four of them had some kind of controversy with the receptionist. Gosh! She is batting .1000! All very stressful situations, and most of the patients were over 65 years old. Shame on her. Bad. I wonder if one's test scan results indicate high stress they are required to retest. She must be rich on commission. During the time I was resting in the back or having my scan, Mark was in the waiting area. This is what he witnessed: One of the patients asked to speak with someone about insurance, and did not want to complete the forms before discussing the insurance with someone. (PET scans are very expensive...and he was smart to not want to fill out any treatment forms before speaking with someone). The receptionist insisted that he fill out forms prior to speaking with anyone. Another patient was told to fill out forms for the umpteenth time, even though nothing in his medical history had changed from the last three times he had to fill them out. Yet another was upset at having to wait for over an hour for her appointment. One woman was also upset that she had to complete the paperwork again (she had done it before) . The receptionist kept insisting that she fill them out. No ifs, ands, or buts. The woman asked if the receptionist could help her with the papers...and the receptionist just gave her a look as if to say "Are you kidding me?" Well, the older woman then explained that she could not read english, that her sister usually comes with her and helps her with that part (she is an older Italian woman). At this point another young lady behind the counter comes forward and begins reading the questions to her aloud, "What is your diagnosis?" "What is your name?" "What is your address?" I started to cry whan Mark was telling me this story. At this point Mark could take it no longer and interrupted: "Shouldn't you take her back into the office for this?" The woman said, "Yes, I would like that." So they did take her back to help her. Gosh, for such an expensive test, they sure have crappy personnel up front. The establishment takes measures to insure a stress-free environment which will produce a stress-free patient for test time, but the intercourse in the reception area is counterproductive to that end. They irritated every patient that morning. It was awful. This is another lesson you learn on the road of life: compassion. It is easy when you are young to judge another person and treat them unkindly or harshly. But once you walk a mile in their proverbial moccasins, you begin to see things differently. You heart is not so quick to be hurt, but it is quick to feel for others' pain. You are more apt to stop and think about how their heart has been injured and what messes they have had to fight their way out of. Why is it so hard for people to be nice?

My cancer is STAGE 2B

Not sure if I had already mentioned that my cancer is officially Stage IIB.

I have added some links to this blog - on the right hand side under the archives. There is a link there that explains what Stage 2B means. One of the links is just for fun (more of them should be!) and NO, it's not MY Mark's Apology Note Generator...but it sure is hilarious. You should try it.

Now that Mark has made that great home page for me (he sacrificed his Sunday putting that together) I will figure out how to get Dr. Maccabee's picture up there, and add links to that site, too. And if I don't get my family pictures up, them are gonna kill me.

PET Scan

Tomorrow I go to my appointment for a P.E.T. Scan. No, I am not bring my cat, Katie to the doctor. Actually the P.E.T. stands for Positron Emission Tomography. What happens is I will be injected with a radioactive isotope that will seek out and attach itself to the glucose in my blood. All cells in our bodies use glucose as fuel. Because cancer cells are rapidly growing cells that use more glucose that regular cells. This scan will not be looking at the structures in my body, but actually how my body is using the glucose. PET scans have been able to demonstrate areas of metastatic disease that cannot be picked up by other imaging techniques. We are going forward with the PET scan due to the fact that the pathology report on my second surgery from last week reported 6 of 6 lymph nodes had cancer....in fact, they were almost entirely replaced by cancer cells (not good).

Plus, I think this is probably the ONLY test known to man that I haven't yet taken, so we just have to take it. I mean, why leave this one out, right? WHAT'S ONE MORE POKE? Well actually, one more test probably means about three pokes and one that hits the vein.

So no eating after 9:00 pm tonight (I got up early to get a head start) and no exercise today (that was a difficult one - NOT). But I can drink all of the water I want! Woohoo!

Such nice people

What wonderful surprises I've had this week. On Monday a man came to deliver a delicious cookie bouquet - little turtle cookies by Cookies By Design with Get Well Wishes. Then today, my buddy Bob dropped off an awesome package: it was a tshirt inside a purse all in a great backpack - all from The Breast Cancer Site! These gifts are all from my friends at Longs Drugs in the Pharmacy Development department. I am so touched by the outpouring of love and get well wishes I have received since the diagnosis. Thank you so much. I will make you all proud: I will be the very best chemo patient in the history of Walnut Creek. The backpack will be great for carrying Mark's & my water bottles to chemo and also my dvd's to watch and the extra headphones for Mark. (The chemo place provides the dvd players, isn't that great?) I can hardly wait, actually. I'd really like to get this going...

Like Pippin says in The Return Of The King (Lord Of The Rings): "I don't want to be in a battle, but waiting on the edge of one I can't escape is even worse"

Thank you, again.

Live Happy, Live Healthy OR Live Longs.

After reading the email response from H.R., I am going to bed. I feel like crap tonight and it's not because of the cancer.

Mark

This is a note of appreciation for my boyfriend, Mark.

Ever since I have known Mark, he has been the hardest working person I have ever known. He spends most of his waking hours at his place of employment giving 100% of his attention to the project at hand. He is a bit of an overachiever. He is extraordinarily bright and his enthusiasm is boundless.

Mark is *on* all day long. I think everyone who knows Mark knows that when he is with you, you have his full attention. He is alert and paying you the respect you deserve when you speak with him. He is at work before 7 am most days and doesn't leave until after 7 pm most days. Sounds like a work-a-holic, right? Sounds like work is the most important thing in his life, right?

Wrong.

From the moment I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, Mark has been with me every step of the way. He attends every medical appointment with me, he talks to each of my doctors with me. He is well known in all of my Medical Teams' offices, and very well-liked, too! He is more popular than me. The girls go goo-goo. Everyone knows Mark because he has been on the telephone with them so often: making appointments, discussing insurance, shuffling appointments, you name it. I rarely get questions anymore. Mark says my job is to crack the jokes...he will take care of everything else.

Mark doesn't have the kind of job that allows him any kind of solitude whatsoever. He has people buzzing into his office around the clock. I am not sure that has anything to do with his job, actually, I think it is just Mark. People like to be around him - he is smart and has an amazing ability to get the job done - whatever the job. He is amazing at cutting through the b.s. to get to the heart of any given situation and get it solved. It is incredible. Some people are lucky to have a long commute to help calm down after such draining days. Poor Mark's commute is only about ten minutes.

Yet, even though he spend so much of his day interacting with so many people, Mark still finds the time to listen to me when he gets home...and I usually have lots to say! He listens to me every night while I go through the entire cycle: excited, happy, and then scared, sad & tearful. He holds me and consoles me, and tells me how everything is going to be alright. Mark never tells me what I should do or what I shouldn't do. It used to be that Mark never told me what I was going to do. But now he does. He tells me I am going to get through Breast Cancer. And that I must. And I believe him. And I will.

Mark, you are wonderful.

The Avon Walk on July 9th & 10th

Dear Friends and Family, As you may know, I have accepted the challenge and am participating in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Did you know that every three minutes, another woman in the United States is diagnosed with breast cancer? I didn't, and I was shocked to learn how prevalent this horrible disease has become in this country. I am eager to get started with my fundraising and I need your support! I have pledged to raise money for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer as part of my participation in the walk. Your contribution will help to support medical research into the possible causes of and cure for breast cancer, education and early detection programs, and clinical care and support services for women with breast cancer in communities across the country. There is a special focus on helping medically underserved women, the poor, minorities, the elderly, or those with inadequate health insurance. And much of the money granted by the Foundation goes back to the communities where it was raised, supporting everything from local grassroots programs to national organizations. It is faster and easier than ever to support this great cause - you can make a donation online by simply clicking on the link at the bottom of this message. Whatever you can give will help! I truly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress. Thank you for your support; you really do make a difference.

Click here to make a donation on my behalf. If the text above does not appear as a clickable link, you can visit the web address: http://www.avonwalk.org/site/TR?px=1653110&s_redId=6414&fl=en_US&s_tafId=1190&pg=personal&fr_id=1092

Deirdre's Web Site

My lovely and talented Mark has created a website that will link to this blog. I needed the website so that I could should you the pictures of my Medical Team Of Experts (as I call them). Surely, Websense will be oblivious to my little ol' website... Please visit when you can!

MRI Details

Have you seen the Exorcist? Do you remember the part where Regan gets the MRI? ...and there is this reeeeally loud banging sound while the MRI pictures are being taken? Neither do I. BUT, my sister Arlene says it's in there. (I watched most of The Exorcist though my fingers) Well, THAT is what my MRI experience was all about. Jennifer, my MRI Technician, had me climb up onto the ledge that would slide me into the MRI hole right after I put my breasts through these holes that look like muffin cups! Kinda like breasticles. I was a little scared...after I got them in the cups, she slid me back into the MRI hole....but I got this feeling like I was in a meat slicer. Like it was a mastectomy machine! YIKES! Well, not to worry. She said she got some beautiful pictures. (?) Yeah. Anyway...It took about an hour to get through all of the *sequences* (pictures). Whew! When we were done it felt like it might feel if I were to go deaf. I am kidding. It was loud, though. Jennifer gave me earplugs and she spoke to me in the tube throughout the entire 30 minutes it took for the MRI.

Fight the cancer or stay employed? decisions, decisions...

I spoke with H.R. today.

They tell me that if I don't come back to work with a release note from my doctor by March 17th, they will terminate my employment and my benefits. WTF?! It is because I have only been a permanent employee since May 7th of 2004. (I have worked as a contractor for Longs for a while, though: from Feb 1999 to Aug 2000 and again from Jan 2002 to May 2004, when I was hired) If I am able to work until I get a full year under my belt, I will be then eligible for FMLA (Family Medical Leave). That means I would be able to draw another 12 weeks of benefits. I have not fully recovered from my surgery yet, but if it means having the means (the benefits) for the chemotherapy and radiation therapy to kill the cancer, and I request it of my doctor, my doctor will give me the release note. My chemotherapy treaments are scheduled to begin March 3oth, and what they will mean is that I will be out of the office on Wednesday afternoons for a blood draw, Chemo on Thursday mornings until noon, and home for the rest of the day, and Friday I go back to the oncologist's office for a white blood cell booster shot. But the oncology nurse says it is possible that I would feel well enough to be able to do work from home the following week. This would mean I would need to have remote access to work. I know I could be of service to the department still. Even after the two months needed to put me over the 1 year mark. In fact, I was looking forward to coming back - I feel I have much more to contribute! This news from H.R. was a bit unnerving! I had planned on coming back after this and have so much more to do! My chemotherapy is scheduled as follows:

• AC (my cocktail) starting March 30th and lasts until June 23rd.
• Taxol (part 2) starting on June 23rd and ending on August 25th (still bald on Ed's birthday! In fact, I may be bald as a cue ball the entire baseball season!! Gosh, this cancer came at a bad time, ya know?)

Then, radiation therapy for at least another month. I meet with the radiology oncologist next week. From what I have been reading, I will have radiation therapy about 5 times per week for about an hour a day or so. Haven't heard how it will make me feel or anything...like if I will be unable to work or whatever. I don't know how I will feel during the chemotherapy - but I don't want to say I cannot work. I know there are some people who manage to keep working. If I didn't work, I would be so bored. I can't promise to deliver much, but if I can work, I would like to work! I guess we will have to wait and see. I miss everyone at work. I miss being a part of a machine. I miss all the special things all of you bring to the table and I am touched by the wonderful notes and messages you send me. I hope to see you all soon. If, however, you don't see me by the 17th of March, .....STAY AWAY FROM MY SUPPLIES! I KNOW WHO REALLY LIKES MY STAPLER, HARPAL. :-)

Dr. Patricia Kelly

Today we (Mark, my sister Erin and I) met Dr. Patricia Kelly. Dr. Kelly is a genetics doctor. Most of the appointment was spent taking down my family history. Like who we were, who was living, if not living, what was the cause of death, and all sorts of things.

It is a good idea to keep a thorough family tree with history. You never know when you'll need it.

I remember after my dad died in 1995 it gave me great comfort to update my family tree. I cannot express how good it felt to find my dad's family tree on the internet! His Uncle Pete (who I did not know existed) had put his family tree online. It was wonderful to connect. It was a little bit like still having Dad around. See, Dad was an only child, except for a half-sister in Sacramento - whom we didn't see much of.

Then, after Mom died, I found some of my mom's family online, too.

Anyway, the point is....keep track, if you can!

So the appointment was good. We enjoyed speaking with Dr. Kelly very much. It was kinda like having our our Discovery Channel show in person. Dr. Kelly is very much the scientist. She was explaining what the genetics testing could tell us and how useful it could be. One of it's purposes is to help determine whether or not I would be predisposed to developing ovarian cancer, as well as help determine if I have developed breast cancer through genetics. I have a picture of Dr. Kelly that I will post in my photo album on Yahoo. Before we left her office she handed me a copy of her book: "Assess Your True Risk Of Breast Cancer". Isn't that cool? Mark asked her if she could sign our copy. :-)

Tomorrow, my right breast gets it's day in the limelight. Tomorrow is my right breast MRI.

I find it hard to believe no one is interested in taking my fingerprints at this hospital. Isn't it strange? They know they exact mapping of all of my veins and probably have my DNA all mapped out by now. The crazy thing is that no one wants to see my ID...just my insurance card (that doesn't surprise me that much, actually)

Well, not much news today, except the neighbor across the street is fine, Kathy. He had a huge gall stone...size of a lemon almost. I am weaning myself off the Darvocet. Oh yes, and my house is a complete and absolute mess. I have a bunch of the pink wristbands! I am going to send them to work one day next week.

Have a great ... everything.

Deirdre

Eureka! We found the films!

Mark and I found the films today! First we went back to Pacific Imaging where they almost immediately threw their hands in the air like we were bank robbers. Then decided to put on the flippers, snorkel and face mask and jump into the task of finding the films. We were committed to turning over every square inch of the hospital in order to find them, but were lucky and found them at the hospital within the first ten minutes of looking. :-) It would be nice if Pacific Imaging could have handled this for us.....since they lost them!

Anyway, the films are found and we went back to Pacific Imaging to wave them at their noses.

I have collected many pictures now of people I have met on my Cancer Journey...and I have them stored in my Yahoo! Photo Album named Deirdre's Breast Cancer Team. I have no idea how to get them available to you all. If you send me an email with your email address, I will send you the invitation thingy to view the pictures. Don't be shy! Just do it! These guys are great! There are only 8 pictures so far...but I am getting better at taking them. I will also be adding pictures when I start losing hair. So! Email me! (I just don't want to send it to adxprod, ya know?)

Dang, I know how to make a web page...maybe I will just do that. Then no screwing around trying to get these silly pictures! As Mitch says, "Gah!"

If anyone can help me figure it out, let me know! I made that album public so anyone can view it...what a dork I am. And I call myself a technophile. More like a technodork.

Doctor Gorey called today: I am done with surgery! I will keep my left breast! That means she did get all of the remaining cancer in the left breast. Woohoo!

Dr. Sherman called, too. He said the lymph nodes were positive for cancer so we are going to squeeze in a P.E.T. test, too. The P.E.T. test will show a little more detail as to if and where the lymph nodes have taken the cancer. The lymph node involvement news does not change our treatment plan. And the results of the P.E.T. test will not changes any plans either...but they may be helpful for other women as these tests results help us understand more about cancer.

I am tired today. And I am more sore today than yesterday. After the Amazing Race (our favorite show) I am going to call it a day.

Tomorrow we meet with the genetic counselor, Dr. Patricia Kelly. We are going to talk with her about the test I can take to see if I have the gene that predisposes me to breast cancer. (my mom had breast cancer) This will help me decide what kind of hormone drugs I want to take later on... I don't know much about this right now, but I will after tomorrow.

Cheers!