PROJECT: 05-DJC:174.9

This is Deirdre's Breast Cancer Diary. I try to update this blog at least every evening. This is an easy way for me to keep a journal of the experience, and at the same time, I can keep my friends and family up-to-date on what is going on. I find it is not so bad to have cancer, but it is awfully depressing to talk about it. I hope you laugh as you read along. You can find the beginning in February ...in the archives. Thanks again for reading :o)

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Cancer Knocks You Down

Today I really felt a low. Mark and I went for a walk this morning. My first in a long time. It hurt. It wasn't good. We didn't go far. I cried. It was awful. I have never been this out of shape before. I have never been this big before. It freaks me out. I keep blaming the shape I am in on myself, but the truth is....something else is at work here. Hello?! I have cancer! I felt absolutely awful on the walk. I was out of breath, my legs hurt....I was just so uncomfortable, I cried.
But you know what? I am getting better. I went for a walk, didn't I? And tomorrow I will go for another walk. And the next day, I will go for another one. And they will get easier and easier every time. It will be a long, hard road back to where I was, or where I want to be....but there's no getting there without getting on the road at least.
I have been hard on myself about not exercising, and for taking so many naps everyday and basically just lying around. But cancer treatment is tough. It takes a lot out of you. Some people can do what they did, almost leading a normal life while undergoing cancer treatment. I am not one of them. Sometimes, you just feel like you want to be taken care of, like you just want your mommy. Sometimes you just feel like yelling, "I'm sick!" and pouting. Now I know that most times, you just do whatever it takes to make you comfortable and to get through it. It is different for everybody, and you don't know until you get here how you will do it...but you do.
I do love a challenge, though. And boy howdy, I have a challenge ahead of me. Getting back into shape is going to take me six months to a year or so. Before cancer I think my life was a little boring...lacked direction. Now, at least, my work is cut out for me.
Yes, cancer knocks you down. But you would never get the satisfaction of getting back on track if nothing knocked you down in the first place.

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