PROJECT: 05-DJC:174.9

This is Deirdre's Breast Cancer Diary. I try to update this blog at least every evening. This is an easy way for me to keep a journal of the experience, and at the same time, I can keep my friends and family up-to-date on what is going on. I find it is not so bad to have cancer, but it is awfully depressing to talk about it. I hope you laugh as you read along. You can find the beginning in February ...in the archives. Thanks again for reading :o)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Bad Day Yesterday

I had a bad day yesterday. I feel like they've all been headed in that direction. I feel so useless. I have a difficult time walking. I waited all day for Mark to come home yesterday. What a way to spend the day. It must be so hard for Mark. I don't want it to be too hard for Mark. I made a confession when he got home: I told him about the secret between me and God. I told him I had been asking God to let me die, so that life would be better for Mark. Awful. I feel like I am going insane.
I am better today. I don't feel like that anymore. Mark had a good long talk with me. So did my cousin Yolanda and my sister Arlene, and my Auntie Josie. I think I know how Mark feels, but I don't. He loves me more than I thought. Now when I think about it, if I died, it would make it easy for ME, and nobody else. I have to live...for Mark.
When we give each other a hug and I feel Mark's chest against mine it is like...heaven. It is like home to me. It is the highlight of my day...my life.
I just have to be patient with myself. Everyone gets sick. You don't just give up when you are at your worst. You can't reach rock bottom and then just keep digging, Mark says. The digging I've been doing is thinking that I am worthless and useless. That is bad self-talk. If I am in a hole I have got to keep my eyes on the sun. I didn't choose this hole, but, by God, I am in it. I intend to get out of it.
It's not so easy. I have never been this immobile. It is hard to imagine getting better. But I want to be stronger...I want to be strong like I used to be. Mark says that is the key. Keep wanting it. But give myself time to get it back. It wasn't overnight that I got this way.

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